From: Daniel Wells To: runcible@cs.swarthmore.edu Subject: Perfect Death-Triplet humor Date: Wed, 24 Feb 1993 14:47:07 -0500 This is quite good, particularly as it is along the same lines as the missing dark matter of the universe. This is a short story that stems from the NOTES BBS on the VAX computer. My previous college were good enough to allow us full use of it. One of the conferences was `Battlezone'. The idea was to have a verbal duel with one or more people. A friend and I decided to do a funny one, as up 'till then they had all been very serious fantasy/D&D type ones. BTW - being poked by a tropical fish is a private joke, and nothing to worry about (and, funnily enough, it isn't rude ) Oh yeah, both he and I were reading Physics at the time, so some of the humour requires a knowledge of degree level Physics. I'm told that its still quite funny without this though. Anyway, enough waffle on my part. Run the zone.......... =============================================================================== <<< V$IST:[IST.SPRINT.NOTES]BATTLEZONE.NOTE;1 >>> -< BATTLEZONE Mk. IV ON-LINE >- =============================================================================== Note 4.0 I'm going to get you, AUBERGINE !!! 22 replies VAX::ISTTCHILDE "Wonko The Sane" 18 lines 3-MAR-1992 11:27 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The totally invincible mega-mechanoid fighting aubergine was trying to sqeeze his ego back into its box, when a small tropical fish appeared in the air beside him. It said, "I have a message for you; You are challenged to battle, at noon tomorrow. No plot, no wind blowing over marshes, no pleasentaries, just a battle to the death !!! Be prepared to meet your doom !!" And then he was slapped aross the face by the fish !!! Will he turn up to do battle, will he live long enough to discover who has challenged him, will he eat the fish for his tea........... =============================================================================== Note 4.1 I'm going to get you, AUBERGINE !!! 1 of 22 VAX::ISTJROCHBERR "Arguments R Us" 8 lines 3-MAR-1992 12:56 -< Hmmph >- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I am here", the totally invincible mega-mechanoid fighting aubergine thundered, raising his ultra-blaster high in the air (his zap-ray currently being at the cleaners), "and I accept your challenge. Do your worst, or I shall take your tropical fish and poke you with it :-)" So saying he created a Chesterfield 3-piece suite with his mystical device, and sat down, awaiting the challenger. =============================================================================== Note 4.2 I'm going to get you, AUBERGINE !!! 2 of 22 VAX::ISTTCHILDE "Wonko The Sane" 12 lines 3-MAR-1992 13:39 -< A figure appears threw a 'worm hole' .... >- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "How dare you sit in my presense !" cried a voice from behind the sofa. "I have come to teach you a lesson !" A hand was waved, and a sofa disappeared ! "The laws of physics state that it is impossible to create a sofa out of thin air with a 'mystical thing'; so it doesn't exist !" he continued as the aubergine fell to the floor. "You will not be allowed to continue ingnoring the laws of physics, you have created one too many sofas, and now you must pay the price !!" =============================================================================== Note 4.3 I'm going to get you, AUBERGINE !!! 3 of 22 VAX::ISTJROCHBERR "Arguments R Us" 27 lines 3-MAR-1992 13:49 -< But what about the cat? >- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Aubergine scratched his head for a moment, making metallic scraping noises as he did so. "Ah, but the laws of Physics also state that you cannot make things disappear either, so the sofa exists." The sofa reappeared, which was a bit of a problem for the Aubergine becuase he was now under it. Throwing it off, he stood up, towering above the man who had been so insolent to him. "Reveal your identity, Human" He boomed, cutting in a flanger and digital reverb into his voice circuit, causing quite a neat effect. "Hmm, must remember that one" he said to himself. "So you wish to fight, bound by your Physical laws, do you? I come from a different dimension, just round the corner actually. There's lots of mechanised vegatables there. Perhaps you'd like to see some photos.." The mechanoid pulled some photos from a small trap door, and began to show them to the man. He paused, looking confused. "Enough of this, we are duelling! Prepare your best defense!" So saying he used his mystical device to cause a large and confused whale to appear in the air above the Physicist. =============================================================================== Note 4.4 I'm going to get you, AUBERGINE !!! 4 of 22 VAX::ISTTCHILDE "Wonko The Sane" 40 lines 3-MAR-1992 14:14 -< Sofa, so good !! >- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "That's more like it, merely moving this whale from its original place to above my head is within the laws of physics. However, as the whale was previously swimming along in the sea, it arrived here with momentum, and I'm afraid the laws of physics demand that it falls to the ground in an arc, missing me alltogether....watch" SPLAT "...See !" "Let me introduce myself.... I am The Fabulous Fanatical Fantom Farting Fourth-year Fizzicist ! ... and I will not be defeated by your silly whale antics and funny dramatic voice effects !! And as for making the sofa dissappear being impossible...what sofa ??" The sofa dissappeared again !! "But I am not here to argue about furniture, prepare to die by physics" The Fizzicist farted as he reached into the the bag he was carrying !! "The PAULI EXCLUSION PRINCIPLE (as applied to fresh fruit) states that no two aubergines can exist in the same state, therefore you can only exist in a room totaly void of aubergines. Guess what I've got in my bag......." The Fizzicist laughed (and farted again) as he removed his hand from the bag. In it was a large aubergine............. =============================================================================== Note 4.5 I'm going to get you, AUBERGINE !!! 5 of 22 VAX::ISTJROCHBERR "As far as the eye can see..." 37 lines 5-MAR-1992 12:14 -< Probably... >- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Very clever" Admitted the Aubergine, fading inpercepably as the laws of causality rubbed their hands together, "but I'm afraid that you have not examined the problem deeply enough, for I am a mechanical mechanoid aubergine, and hence can co-exist quite amicably with an organic aubergine" The laws of causality got grumpy and went off for a pint. While they were away a T-72 tank appeared, taking advantage of the situation. "Besides" the Aubergine continued, returning to his former solidity, "the Pauli principle makes me feel ill" "And now it is my turn", said the Aubergine, cutting in his effects box again, because he'd just got it in a recent `Brain dead moronic killing machines R us' sale, and was still enjoying the novelty of it, "I will, for the time being, fight you by your own rules, Physicist, until I start to lose, or run out of air freshener." The Aubergine threw a pair of `Speed-EZ NLS super skates' at the Physicist. They homed in on his feet, attached themselves there, and quickly sent the Physicist soaring off at near light speed (hence NLS), accellerating at a sensible rate in order to comply with the Physicists silly laws of Physics. As the Physicist passed 0.7C Heisenburg's uncertainty principle started to manifest, causing the Physicist to become very confused since he couldn't know where he was and who he was at the same time. "What's that cat doing here?" said the Physicist, farting in hysteria. Taking advantage of the lull in hostilities, and enjoying every minute of the spectacle afforded by the camera attached to one of the skates, the mechanoid relaxed in his sofa, brought back into existance by the paradox of whether of not it could exist based on the assumption that it already existed, and caused an iced lemon dessert to appear in his hand, much to the annoyance of the laws of Physics. =============================================================================== Note 4.6 I'm going to get you, AUBERGINE !!! 6 of 22 VAX::ISTTCHILDE "Wonko The Sane" 47 lines 6-MAR-1992 13:01 -< Sploosh, fizz, dribble dribble..... >- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The uncertainty principle caused these thoughts to go through the Fizzicist's mind; " Who am I ? Where am I ? I must get a grip on myself. I KNOW WHO I AM !! But what is my purpose in life, and where am I ? I KNOW MY PLACE IN EXSISTENCE ! But who am I ???????? " etc etc. Eventually, he thought; "I know WHO I am, and I don't care WHERE I am, so UP YOURS HEISENBERG!" As his confusion disappeared he took off the boots and let them go off on their own. The Aubergine knew who the Fizzicist was, and was therefore very surprised to find him standing in front of him !! "You are more of a chellenge than I thought you would be, it'll be a shame to see you die ! However, the laws of physics (in particular the law of gravity) insist that a container open end down will empty its contents on whatever is underneath. The container above your head is marked PARAQUAT. It was a pleasure to know you, goodbye !!" The laws of physics turned their full attention to the deadly liquid ! "I still say I'm right about the sofa." muttered the Fizzicist as he gathered his belongings and prepared to leave for his next assignment. =============================================================================== Note 4.7 I'm going to get you, AUBERGINE !!! 7 of 22 VAX::ISTJROCHBERR "As far as the eye can see..." 10 lines 6-MAR-1992 13:16 -< Aha! >- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "You scientists never could spell" Laughed the Aubergine, "that doesn't say PARAQUAT, it says PARAQUEET" "Oh bugger", replied the laws of Physics, as the paraqueet flew away. "Its no good," continued the Aubergine, "I'm more than a match for you, and what's more, I know something that you're very afraid of; MAXWELL'S EQUATIONS" The Physicist clapped his hands over his ears, and ran away, screaming =============================================================================== Note 4.8 I'm going to get you, AUBERGINE !!! 8 of 22 VAX::ISTTCHILDE "Wonko The Sane" 21 lines 9-MAR-1992 12:28 -< Squawk Squawk !! >- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A weekend later; "So you want to play dirty, do you ?" The Fizzicist was wearing ear defenders. "As you see I only needed a weekend to recover, soon I will be totally immune, and I may even be able to SAY the M word !" The Fizzicist removed his ear defenders, but the aubergine had no reply. "I feel that a good idea is always worth a second attempt. The pressurised container by your side has a hole in it, so I'm afraid its contents are going to spray in your direction, due to the sharp pressure gradient at the hole !!! This container, however, is marked HF. Quite nasty stuff !!" =============================================================================== Note 4.9 I'm going to get you, AUBERGINE !!! 9 of 22 VAX::ISTJROCHBERR "As far as the eye can see..." 10 lines 11-MAR-1992 16:19 -< HF? Highly Feeble more like! >- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Pah! Is that the best you can offer? Your laws of Physics state that something just can't appear, a fact demonstrated by my sofa, which has finally given up and gone away. If the hole was there before, all the HF will have leaked away, or eaten through the metal, more likely. If there wasn't a hole there before, then there cannot be one now, unless by some chance the canister was eaten away at one precise point, pointing at me, at the instant you said. I think not" The Aubergine, growing tired, levelled his Garganturay-gun at the Physicist and pulled the trigger. =============================================================================== Note 4.10 I'm going to get you, AUBERGINE !!! 10 of 22 VAX::ISTTCHILDE "Wonko The Sane" 50 lines 12-MAR-1992 10:05 -< A 'Hole' load of nothing !!!! >- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I'm afraid you're missing the point again !" said the Fizzicist calmly as he dived for cover, "A hole has no mass, it is simple a region of nothing. I have, therefore, created nothing. I find it very distressing, the ignorance people have of Physics. I blame the government, they're ruining the education system. And then when they injure themselves trying to catch a bus because they don't fully understand the law of Conservation of Momentum, there's bugger all health service left for them to get treatment. What is the world coming to, if only everyone would sit down around a table a calmly discuss all the problems of the world, there would be no problems!" A casual observer would, at this point, assume that the Fizzicist was merely waffling, in order to let the laws of phyics decide whether or not it is possible to create a hole out of nothing ! This is exactly what he was doing !! "In fact, it's not just a question of Left or Right but somwhere in .....AAAAARRRRRRRRRGH!" The Aubergine had shot the Fizzicist in the leg. The Fizzicist, now hopping madly out of the way of the shots, continued with his waffle. "Now is the time to decide, there is a General...." He dived for cover behind the canister. ".. Election...." The Aubergine in his frustration was shotting wildly, and he shot a hole in the canister. "....coming up, so remember to ....... HA HA Got you at last !" finished the Fizzicist on what he hoped would be his last dive for cover !! The laws of physics that had been worrying over the validity of certain holes, releasised that it didn't matter anymore, and went off to the pub to celebrate. Luckily for the Fizzicist, they invited the laws concerning "Time taken for leg wounds to heal" to go with them as they'd been very busy lately !! =============================================================================== Note 4.11 I'm going to get you, AUBERGINE !!! 11 of 22 VAX::ISTJROCHBERR "As far as the eye can see..." 24 lines 12-MAR-1992 16:17 -< Ouch! >- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fortunately, however, the Garganturay vaporised the canister of HF, removing the source of the Aubergine's worry, and the Physicist's elation. "You are a tricky customer", said the Aubergine, in a kind of squeezed farty squeaky voice. "Oh sorry, wrong digital effect", he muttered. Adjusting some internal dials, and changing his voice into a far more impressive flanged booming sort of voice, he spoke thus; "I grow increasingly tired of this, Physicist. Now suffer the wrath of my superb metallic body!" So saying, he visciously kicked the Physicist in the stomach "Impulse, Conservation of Momentum, and Kinetic Energy transfer" He said Picking the Physicist up, and throwing him hard in the air; "Ballistics, air resistance, Gravity, kinetic to potential to kinetic, (THUMP!), Semi-Elastic collision, friction" The Aubergine strode over to the Physicist, and bent his arm painfully "Moments, leverage, mass-loading, stress" "Have you had enough Physics yet, human??" =============================================================================== Note 4.12 I'm going to get you, AUBERGINE !!! 12 of 22 VAX::ISTTCHILDE "Wonko The Sane" 18 lines 23-MAR-1992 13:29 -< Carbon copy !!!! >- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Ah so you fell for it" came a voice from behind the Aubergine, "It's a very good copy, but I'm afraid you're beating up a remote controlled doppleganger. As for the laws of Physics, this axe that I'm swinging at the base of your neck, has a lot of momentum and will probably give up some of it's energy as the kinaetic energy of your head bouncing along the floor !" He swung the axe..... "And just in case, the spike on the end of the boot, that I'm going to kick you with, is a good 6" long, and tipped with poison !!" His foot came sharply forward towards the Aubergine's back.... =============================================================================== Note 4.13 I'm going to get you, AUBERGINE !!! 13 of 22 VAX::ISTJROCHBERR "As far as the eye can see..." 5 lines 23-MAR-1992 13:51 -< Hmm >- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And met with a resounding CLANG on the titanium alloy of the mechanoid's armoured body. "Ooh, that tickled" quipped the Aubergine, returning the kick with interest, this time connecting with the *real* Physicist. =============================================================================== Note 4.14 I'm going to get you, AUBERGINE !!! 14 of 22 VAX::ISTTCHILDE "Wonko The Sane" 24 lines 24-MAR-1992 11:44 -< I'll scratch your eyes out !! >- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Fizzicist deflected the kick and jumped on the Aubergine. He pulled the Aubergine's hair, and scratched his face with his nails. "Oooh, you bitch !" cried the Aubergine !! "If you don't let me win, I'll tell my mummy !" cried the Fizzicist "My brother's bigger than you, and he'll beat you up !" "Arrrrgh !! That was horrible !" "It certainly was !" they said as MATURITY returned, after nipping behind a tree to releive itself !! "OK, now we can continue the fight, with honour and civility !", said the Aubergine "Sod that !" said the Fizzicist, and kicked the Aubergine in his (non-metalic) 'wedding tackle' !! =============================================================================== Note 4.15 I'm going to get you, AUBERGINE !!! 15 of 22 VAX::ISTJROCHBERR "As far as the eye can see..." 25 lines 27-APR-1992 16:41 -< Hmm >- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fortunately the Aubergine had his `tackle-o-guard' on, and was not hurt. Sensing the increasing frivolity of the situation, the Aubergine replied "You see those Chartered Accountants that are really boring?" "Errr, yes", the Physicist replied dubiously "That's you that is" "No, sorry, we're not getting into that ", said the Physicist, and shot the Aubergine's arm off. "Ow" replied the Aubergine, in a suprisingly calm way, "that could have hurt if I hadn't turned my pain centre off. However, I am far from 'armless after my 50% upper limb reduction because..." he opened a trap door and pulled an object out "...I always carry a spare. Well actually its a space-saver temporary, which is a bit of a bummer. I blame the Japenese myself. Just can't get the parts" "Are you quite finished now?" said the Physicist. "Its my turn now" =============================================================================== Note 4.16 I'm going to get you, AUBERGINE !!! 16 of 22 VAX::ISTTCHILDE "Wonko The Sane" 11 lines 27-APR-1992 16:52 -< Elephant <=> Pizza >- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Returning to our duel, you cannot be allowed to continue breaking the physical laws of this Universe." said the Fizzicist. "I mean last week you changed an elephant into a 10" deep-pan ham & mushroom pizza. These antics cannot be tolerated, the laws of physics prevent you from transmutating things like that !" The Fizzicist pointed. "And where did that tank come from ?" =============================================================================== Note 4.17 I'm going to get you, AUBERGINE !!! 17 of 22 VAX::ISTJROCHBERR "As far as the eye can see..." 9 lines 27-APR-1992 16:58 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Now look here, Physicist, I've abided by all your laws so far. Well, maybe I've broken a few. Ok, most of them, but the point is, I've always *known* I was breaking them. But this ridiculous claim of yours about transmutation is nothing short of preposterous. How do you think galactic resteraunts feed all their various alien customers (and deal with the stroppy ones)? Anyway, I've *seen* transmutation in this dimension. How about the transmutation of animal excrement into what you call `beefburgers'. I'll admit that its crude - I can't tell any differenece myself, but you've definately got it" =============================================================================== Note 4.18 I'm going to get you, AUBERGINE !!! 18 of 22 VAX::ISTTCHILDE "Wonko The Sane" 31 lines 5-MAY-1992 12:06 -< The RULES >- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Look I'll show you." The Fizzicist puuled out a large book marked RULES !! "Page 275 paragraph 6 subsection 2; Thow shalt not transmutate any animate or inanimate object into foodstuffs for the consumption thereof. See. Well I suppose you could make a BigMac and Fries, there's nothing edible in that, but definately not anything else !" "What is that book ? I've never seen it before." asked the Aubergine "I'll show you...", the Fizzicsit opened the book at the beginning, it said; "THE RULES AND LAWS OF PHYSICS, for the Universe of :- 338a, Cosmos 13, Reality 5, R5, 7RE. (3rd Edition) If found pleasehand in at your nearest Reality Enforcement Office." =============================================================================== Note 4.19 I'm going to get you, AUBERGINE !!! 19 of 22 VAX::ISTJROCHBERR "As far as the eye can see..." 45 lines 5-MAY-1992 13:58 -< The final confrontation >- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Well MY rule book doesn't say that", said the Aubergine, pulling out an exceedingly tattered book. The reader should be advised that this was due to it being repeatedly thrown out of the window, rather than due to excessive studying. "Let's have a look at it" The Physicist replied. He scanned the pages rapidly. "I think I owe you an apology" The Aubergine smiled smugly to himself. "Hold on a sec," The Physicist exclaimed, grabbing the book again, "yours says universe 338 on it" "So does yours" "No, mine is 338a, you want 338, just round the corner." "What's the difference?" "Well its minor, but I believe that the transmutation of food is a major difference. Oh, and I think the Prime Minister is Major John Grey, although that's not such a big difference." The Physicist replied. "Oh, and the other thing is that mechanical Aubergines can't exist here" he continued "Oh bugger" replied the Aubergine, and disappeared in a puff of causality. (readers who like a happy ending can imagine that the Aubergine hit his dimension hopper just in time and escaped to universe 338) "That was easy," beamed the Physicist, and went home to his cat. (Other readers who like a just ending can imagine that the Physicist later went on to write the book `Do ducks Quark?' and was lynched by a mob of outraged punsters) The End. =============================================================================== Note 4.20 I'm going to get you, AUBERGINE !!! 20 of 22 VAX::ISTSPRINT "Friendly Female 19-21 Wanted!" 3 lines 6-MAY-1992 16:12 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [ I take it that this battle is now finished..... Unless I hear otherwise here, it gets deleted on Friday...Thanks ] =============================================================================== Note 4.21 I'm going to get you, AUBERGINE !!! 21 of 22 VAX::ISTJROCHBERR "As far as the eye can see..." 10 lines 7-MAY-1992 11:14 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Hmm" Said the Aubergine, "that will be fine, Mr. Moderator". He then realised that he was dead, and, more importantly, Jon Roch-Berry, and not a mechanoid Aubergine, and got very confused. "Perhaps this is time to press CTRL-Z" he thought. :-) =============================================================================== Well, that's it. Hope you liked it. Sorry about the weak-ish ending! Any comments? Any flames, gripes or critisism should be directed to Tim Childe (the other half of the team, who isn't on the net - Ha ha) Have fun! +------------------------------------------------------+--------------------+ | J o n a t h a n R o c h - B e r r y | Insert witty | | MSc Software Engineering, Westminster University, UK | comment here | +------------------------------------------------------+--------------------+