> MODERN TIMES:
>
> Tele-Communications Inc., the nation's largest cable television company,
> is in talks to launch a unique pilot project in conjunction with Pacific
> Gas & Electric Co. and Microsoft Corp.  to design a "smart home."  The home
> automation industry is expected to triple in size, from $1.7 billion this
> year to  more than  $5.1 billion by the year 2000.
>
>  November 28, 1995
> Moved in at last.  Finally, we live in the smartest house in the
> neighborhood.  Everything's networked.  The cable TV is connected to our
> phone, which is connected to my personal computer, which is connected to
> the power lines, all the appliances and the security system.  Everything runs
> off a universal remote with the friendliest interface I've ever used.
> Programming is a snap.  I'm, like, totally wired.
>
>   November 30
> Hot stuff! Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the thermostat
> and switched on the lights with the car phone, remotely tweaked the oven a
> few degrees for my pizza.  Everything nice  and  cozy when I arrived.
> Maybe I should get the universal remote surgically attached.
>
>  December 3
> Yesterday, the kitchen crashed.  Freak event.  As I opened the
> refrigerator door, the light bulb blew.  Immediately, everything else
> electrical shut down - lights, microwave, coffee maker - everything.
> Carefully unplugged and replugged all the appliances.  Nothing.  Called the
> cable company (but not from the kitchen phone).  They refer me to the
> utility.  The utility insists the problem was in the software.  So the
> software company runs some remote telediagnostics via my house processor.
>
> Their expert system claims it has to be the utility's fault.  I don't
> care, I just want my kitchen back.  More phone calls; more remote
> diagnostics.
>
> Turns out the problem was "unanticipated failure mode" - the network
> had never seen a refrigerator bulb failure while the door was open.  So the
> fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout as a power surge and shut down the
> entire kitchen.  But because sensor memory confirmed that there hadn't
> actually been a power surge, the kitchen's logic sequence was confused so it
> couldn't do a standard restart.
>
> The utility guy swears this was the first time this has ever
> happened.  Rebooting the kitchen took over an hour.
>
>  December 7
> The police are not happy.  Our house keeps calling them for help.  We
> discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above 25 decibels, it
> creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get amplified when they hit the
> window.  When these vibrations mix with  a gust of wind, the security sensors
> are actuated, and the police computer concludes that someone is trying to
> break in.  Go figure.
>
> Another glitch: Whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode, the
> universal remote won't let me change the channels on my TV.  That means I
> actually have to get up off the couch and change the channels by hand.  The
> software and the utility people say this flaw will be fixed in the next
> upgrade - SmartHouse 2.1.  But it's not ready yet.
>
>  December 12
> This is a nightmare.  There's a virus in the house.  My personal computer
> caught it while browsing on the public access network.  I come home and the
> living room is a sauna, the bedroom windows are covered with ice, the
> refrigerator has defrosted, the washing machine has flooded the basement,
> the garage door is cycling up and down, and the TV is stuck on the home
> shopping channel.  Throughout the house, lights flicker like stroboscopes
> until they explode from the strain.  Broken glass is everywhere.  Or course,
> the security sensors detect nothing.
>
> I look at a message slowly throbbing on my personal computer screen:
> "Welcome to HomeWrecker!!! Now the Fun Begins ...  (Be it ever so humble,
> there's no virus like HomeWrecker ...  )"  I get out of the house.  Fast.
>
>  December 18
> They think they've digitally disinfected the house, but the place is a
> shambles.  Pipes have burst and we're not completely sure we've got the part
> of the virus that attacks toilets.  Nevertheless, the Exorcists (as the
> anti-virus SWAT members like to call themselves) are confident the worst
> is over.
>
> "HomeWrecker is pretty bad," one tells me, "but consider yourself lucky
> you didn't get PolterGeist.  That one is really evil."
>
>  December 19
> Apparently, our house isn't insured for viruses.  "Fires and mudslides,
> yes," says the claims adjuster.  "Viruses, no."
>
> My agreement with the SmartHouse people explicitly states that all
> claims and warranties are null and void if any appliance or computer in
> my house networks in any way, shape or form with a noncertified on-line
> service.  Everybody's very, very sorry, but they can't be expected to
> anticipate every virus that might be created.
>
> We call our lawyer.  He laughs.  He's excited.
>
>  December 21
> I get a call from a SmartHouse sales rep.  As a special holiday offer, we
> get the free opportunity to become a beta site for the company's new
> SmartHouse 2.1 upgrade.  He says I'll be able to meet the programmers
> personally.  "Sure," I tell him.
>
>    Michael Schrage is a columnist for the Los Angeles Times.
>   Copyright 1993 The Washington Post