The Canonical List of Nun-Jokes:
-------------------------------- 
3. Q: What is the definition of suspicion?
   A: A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field.
 
4. Q: What is the definition of innocence?
   A: A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping
      bags for mice.
 
5. Q: What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
   A: A roaming catholic.
 
Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street.  The first one says "I've never come
this way before"; the second one replies "Must be the cobbles"
 
Mother superior at the grocery: "I would like to have 120 bananas for the
                                 convent."
Salesman: "If you buy such a large quantity, it is more economic
           to buy 144 of them."
Mother superior: "Oh well, we could always EAT the other 24."
 
 
Choirboy 1: Hi! I have to go to confession today, and I'm a bit worried.
            You know this priest a long time already. What would he give
            for committing sodomy?
Choirboy 2: That's two chocolate bars.
 
Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're
                  accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?"
Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior."
Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?"
Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants."
Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?"
Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than
               he with his pants down."
 
A priest asks a nun if he can walk her back to the convent.  She says,
"Just this once."  Upon arriving, he asks if he can kiss her.
She replies, "Well, alright, as long as you don't get into the habit."

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to
ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally
the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he
said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what
you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and
says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you
do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at
heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the
holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly
under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me , Father, for I
have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving
my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors
dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says,
"You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By
this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I
have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last
night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for
a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy
water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears
run down her cheeks.
The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?"
The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."
 
 
The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session.
The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious
frown on her face.  She began to speak...
Mother Superior:  There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.
99 nuns:  Oh, no!
1 nun:  Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior:  Today I found a pair a men's underwear.
99 nuns:  Oh, no!
1 nun:  Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior:  And I also found a condom.
99 nuns:  Oh, no!
1 nun:  Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior:  And it has been used!
99 nuns:  Oh, no!
1 nun:  Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior:  And there was a hole in it!
1 nun:  Oh, No!
99 nuns:  Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!.....
 
 
Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven.  Peter asks the
first if she has ever sinned.  "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she
said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter
 told her.
Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned.  "Well, once I held
a man's penis," she replied.
"Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.
Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun.  Peter asked her,
"Why did you push ahead in line?"
She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"
 
 
The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city.
After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope.  Grumpy, for once,
seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about
the church, and in particular, nuns.
        "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"
        "No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."
        "Are you sure?  I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say,
         about my height?  Maybe a little shorter?"
        "I'm afraid not.  Why do you ask?"
        "No reason."  Pause.  "Positive?  Nobody in a habit that's about
         three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?"
        "I'm sure."
        "Okay."
Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why.
So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.
        "What'd he say?  What'd he say?"  chant the other six dwarfs.
        Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."
        And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin!  Grumpy
        fucked a penguin!  Grumpy fucked a penguin!"....