A FEW GOOD ELVES
>                        by Pateric J.
>
> Jack Elf: You ever lived at the North Pole, son?
>
> Kaybee: No, sir.
>
> Jack Elf: You ever had your feet in pointed shoes while
>   working with wood, asked another elf to wear those same
>   shoes while building a train?
>
> Kaybee: No, sir.
>
> Jack Elf: Son, we make toys. We make toys or children cry.
>   It's that simple. Are we clear?
>
> Kaybee: Yes sir.
>
> Jack elf: Are we CLEAR?
>
> Kaybee: Crystal. I just have one more question before I call
>   Airmen Prancer and Vixen. If you got a list of toys to be
>   delivered, and those lists don't include Nativity Scenes,
>   then why would it be necessary to call Toys R Us?
>
> Jack Elf: The Nativity displays were being ordered as a novelty
>   item. Famous cartoons would replace the Holy family to make
>   the scene a learning toy...
>
> Kaybee: No, sir. You said the displays ordered were the Baby in
>   The Manger. You said `The Manger.' I said `The Baby in the
>   Manger?' You said `Is there any other one?'
>
> Jack Elf: I recall what I said.
>
> Kaybee: I can have the Easter Bunny read back to you...
>
> Jack Elf: I know what I said. I don't have to have it read
>   back to me like I'm some kind of pixie...
>
> Kaybee: Then why the new order?
>
> Jack Elf: Sometimes parents take matters into their own hands.
>
> Kaybee: No sir, you just made it clear to me that parents never
>   take Santa's job from him. Elves make toys or children cry. So if
>   you were giving toy Nativity Scenes, Toys R Us shouldn't have
>   been called at all. Surely you have the resources to make
>   such a simple toy.
>
> Jack Elf: You snotty little Scrooge.
>
> Kevin Bacon: Objection, your Honor.
>
> Kaybee: I'd like an answer to the question.
>
> Judge Nicholas: The court will wait for an answer.
>
> Kaybee: The truth is Jehosephat ordered the coal bricks because
>   that's what you told Jehosephat the Elf to do.
>
> Kevin Bacon: Objection!
>
> Judge Nicholas: Sustained. Kaybee, any further remarks about the
>   coal and you will be held in contempt.
>
> Kaybee: You doctored the Chrismas Lists, you coerced the parents,
>   You cut these elves loose!
>
> Judge Nicholas: That's it, Kaybee, you're in contempt.
>
> Kaybee: Did you order the coal bricks!?!
>
> Judge Nicholas: He didn't ask nicely. You don't have to answer that.
>
> Jack Elf: I'll answer the question. You want Santa?
>
> Kaybee: I think I'm entitled.
>
> Jack Elf: YOU WANT SANTA?
>
> Kaybee: I WANT MY TOYS!
>
> Jack Elf: You can't handle your toys! Son, we live in a world that has
>   malls. And those malls have to be run by men with stores. Who's
>   going to do it? You? You, Leuitenant Coldmeiser? I have a greater
>   responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for the little
>   kiddies and you curse the elves. You have that luxury. You have the
>   luxury of not knowing what I know. That stuffing stockings with coal
>   saves elves' lives, and my existence while short and magical to you,
>   saves elves' lives. You know that some of these kids don't deserve
>   toys because deep down in places you don't talk about at office parties,
>   You want me at the mall, you need me at the mall, to watch your stupid
>   kids while you shop. We use words like Mattel, Huffy, Nintendo. We
>   use these words as the backbone of a holiday spent celebrating
>   someting. You use them to pad your wallet. I have neither the time
>   nor the inclination to explain myself to a man that sells and markets
>   the toys that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I
>   provide them. I would rather you just said Feliz Navidad, and went
>   on your way, or I suggest you pick up a charge card and give unto
>   others. Either way, I don't give a candy cane what you think
>   you Are entitled TO!
>
> Kaybee: Did you order the coal bricks?
>
> Jack Elf: I did my Job, I'll do it next year.
>
> Kaybee: Did you order the coal Bricks?
>
> Jack Elf: DARN TOOTIN" RIGHT I DID!!!
>
> Kaybee: I move that court be dimissed so that we can move to an
>   immediate article 12 section 25 trial. The witness has rights.
>
> Jack Elf: This is ridiculous. I've had enough. I'm going to get a
>   reindeer and fly on back to my pole for some eggnog.
>
> Judge Nicholas: You aren't going anywhere. Cherubim, guard the Elf.
>
> Jack Elf: What's this? I'm Being charged with a crime? This is funny.
>   That's what this is. This is... I'm going to rip the stocking
>   from your chimney and throw coal in your red sock! You tinkered
>   with the wrong toymaker! You friggin' people. You have no idea
>   how to celebrate a holiday. All you did was weaken a tradition
>   today, Kaybee. That's all you did. Sugarplum dreams son.
>
> Kaybee: Don't call me son. I provide toys for deserving kids, and
>   you are off Santa's good list you son of a Grinch.