From "The Tonight Show Staring Johnny Carson"
(C) 1991 Carson Productions, Inc.
A tribute from Johnny Carson to all the Soviet republics
seeking freedom ("The Battle Hymn of the Republic" playing
softly in the background).
"What Democracy Means to Me"
by Johnny Carson
To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy,
giving the fruits of nationhood to those who built the
nation. Democracy means anyone can grow up to be president,
and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united
by a single dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away
from people of all races, colors, and creeds. Democracy is
having time set aside to worship--18 years if you're Jim
Bakker.
Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money
you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And,
unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one
ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective
political parties.
Democracy means freedom of sexual choice between any two
consenting adults; Utopia means freedom of choice between
three or more consenting adults. But I digress. Democracy is
welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something
to hold onto--usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that
with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can
die owing the government a huge amount of money.
Democracy means a thriving heartland with rolling fields of
Alfalfa, Buckwheat, Spanky, and Wheezer. Democracy means
our elected officials bow to the will of the people, but
more often they bow to the big butts of campaign contributors.
Yes, democracy means fighting every day for what you
deserve, and fighting even harder to keep other weaker
people from getting what they deserve. Democracy means
never having the Secret Police show up at your door. Of
course, it also means never having the cable guy show up at
your door. It's a tradeoff. Democracy means free
television, not good television, but free.
Democracy is being able to pick up the phone and, within a
minute, be talking to anyone in the country, and, within two
minutes, be interrupted by call waiting.
Democracy means no taxation without representation, and god
knows, we've just about had the hell represented out of us.
It means the freedom to bear arms so you can blow the "o"
out of any rural stop sign you want.
And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar
bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13
tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head--this signifies
that when the white man came to this country, it was bad
luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for
the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.
I thank you.
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