Here are my tags, back by popular demand:

Editted for humor.

My used underwear is legal tender in 28 countries and counting.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
I want to die in my sleep like my father, not screaming like his passengers.
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2 rules to success in life. 1. Don't tell people everything you know.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A good pun is its own reword.
A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act them out.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A Shower is the halfway point between Bed and World.
A)bort R)etry I)nfluence with large hammer.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
Any man who can see through women is sure missing a lot.
Are dog biscuits made from collie flour?
As they say in Beirut, Shiite happens.
Backup not found: A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure?
Backups?  We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
Bad command or file name.  Go stand in the corner.
Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.
Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
Behaviorism is the art of pulling habits out of rats.  -- O'Neill
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
Cleanliness is next to clean-limbed, in the dictionary.
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
College:  The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
Commit suicide. A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence.
Courage:  Two cannibals having oral sex.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Do YOU have redeeming social value?
Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?
Don't laugh. It could happen.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Due to a mixup in Urology, orange juice will not be served this morning.
Dynamic linking error: Your mistake is now everywhere.
Earth is 98% full...  Please delete anyone you can.
Earth was interesting, and worth the money I paid for it.
Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.  -- last words of Oscar Wilde
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far.  Especially if they are dead.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Familiarity breeds children.
Fast, Cheap, Good:  Choose any two.
Fossil flowers come from the Petrified Florist.
Generally you don't see that kind of behavior in a major appliance.
Gentleman:  Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.  -- St. Augustine
Give a skeptic an inch and he'll measure it.
God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER.
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
Had there been an actual emergency, you would no longer be here.
Have an adequate day.
Have you flogged your crew today?
He has the heart of a little child...  it's in a jar on his desk.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
I may not be the world's greatest lover, but number seven's not bad.  -- Allen
I have not seen as far as others because giants were standing on my shoulders.
I hate laundry month.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.  -- Albran
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
I know I have a purpose because I always seem to need deodorant.
I bet you have never seen a plumber bite his nails.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
If either religion or science were infallible, it would incorporate the other.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
If there is light at the end of the tunnel...  ORDER MORE TUNNEL.
Illegitimus non Carborundem -- "Don't let the bastards grind you down".
Instant sex will never be better than the kind you have to peel and cook.
Is this true or only clever?  -- Augustine Birrell
Is there life before death?
It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.
Keep a very firm grasp on reality, so you can strangle it at any time.
Keep Canada beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Life is too confusing for novices.  We should let the experts take care of it.
Living on Earth includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL.
Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
Love:  The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
Maintain thy airspeed, lest the ground rise up and smite thee.
Many quite distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
Miracles are great, but they are so damned unpredictable.
Mr. Worf!  Eating Christmas Cookies, on my bridge?
MRducks. MRnot! MRso! Cedar wings? ...Whale oil beef hooked, MRducks!
My name is Annie Key. Ouch! Why are you hitting me?!
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My computer NEVER cras
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.
Never, never, never *MOON* a werewolf.
Never eat prunes when you're famished.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect.
Nobody home but the lights, and they're out too.
Nobody can be just like me. Even I have trouble.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
Politics: n. from Greek; "poli"-many; "tics"-ugly, bloodsucking parasites.
Question Authority...  and the Authorities will question you!
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Save the Rainforest! Eat a vegetarian!
Save the whales! Collect the whole set!
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.  -- Fletcher Knebel
Someday you will look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
That was Zen; this is Tao.
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
The Schizophrenic:  An Unauthorized Autobiography.
The cynic says: the pessimist is a realist who isn't afraid to admit it.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
The early worm deserves the bird.
The first piece of luggage out of the chute does not belong to anyone, ever.
The universe is surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
The glass is half full--and what's in it has gone rancid.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
There are many kinds of people in the world.  Are you one of them?
There is a vas deferens between men and women.
There is a 70% probability of tomorrow. (actual weatherman quote. 1988)
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
Unauthorized fornication with this equipment is disallowed.
Vote anarchist.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
We aren't sure how clouds form.  But they know, that is what counts.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
When things look dark, hold your head high so it can rain up your nose.
When working hard, be sure to get up and retch every so often.
Why take life seriously? You're not coming out of it alive anyway!