Subject: Warning to Drop-Outs
From: jbtubman@noah.arc.ab.ca (Jim Tubman)

As we all know, a high school drop-out has very poor job prospects.
The best he can hope for is to become Prime Minister of the United
Kingdom.

--Jim Tubman
  Advanced Computing & Engineering Dept.  Alberta Research Council
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From: howeird@hpspdra.spd.hp.com (Howard Stateman)
Subject: Bathroom wall

This was seen on the toilet seat protector dispenser in a men's room in
Stanford's music building:

"I used one of these things, but she still got pregnant!"
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From: IRVINMJ@wsuvm1.csc.wsu.edu (Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437)
Subject: Mending political fences

from "The Whitman County Democrat" newsletter:

The election is over, the results are now known;
The will of the people has clearly been shown.
Let hard feelings vanish -- yes, let them all pass;
I'll hug your elephant if you'll kiss my donkey.
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From: brian@cimage.com (Brian Kelley)

Written above a University of Michigan toilet:
   "Heisenberg may have shit here."

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From: PRICHARD@ias.larc.nasa.gov

1) are crooked teeth supporting evidence for the theory of contidental
   drift?

2) from the engineer's dictionary;

   expert (ecks-purt) from the Greek; `X' meaning unknown, and `spurt',
   meaning a drip under pressure.

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From: UOG01002@vm.uoguelph.ca (Brian Switzer)
Subject: Coyote Ponderings

Here are a couple of thoughts to ponder about the coyote:

Why is it that the coyote can afford all that expensive ACME
equipment but he can't afford to go out to eat?

How can he have the equipment sent to no fixed address in the middle of
the desert?

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From: J.M.Spencer@newcastle.ac.uk (J.M. Spencer)
Subject: The Gulf Crisis

President Bush is trying to make up for the fact that the US was late
for the last two world wars by being *really* punctual for this one.

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From: gat@robotics.jpl.nasa.gov (Erann Gat)
Subject: Stetson cologne


A TV commercial for Stetson Cologne:

Scene:  A western setting.  Mesas.  Tumbleweeds.  A ruggedly handsome
cowboy comes riding up to the camera, dismounts, and takes out a bottle
of Stetson cologne.  He splashes some on as the off-screen announcer
solemnly intones:  "Stetson cologne - when you want to smell like a hat."
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From: gat@robotics.jpl.nasa.gov (Erann Gat)
Subject: Why women change their minds

Heard this one from my wife.  I don't know where she got it from.

Q:  Why do women change their minds so often?
A:  To keep them clean.


Erann Gat
gat@robotics.jpl.nasa.gov
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From: JRP1@phoenix.cambridge.ac.uk (Jonathan R. Partington)

 Cambridge County council has backed off from its scheme to ban
cycles from the city centre on the grounds of road safety. Its
latest decision is that cycles will be permitted, provided that
they do no more than 4 m.p.h. and are preceded by someone carrying
a red flag.
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Organization: University of Colorado at Colorado Springs
From: cdash@mumm.colorado.edu (Charles Shub)

This joke can't be told, but must be read:

Guy runs into police station and says,

	"Someone has just stolen my aunt's pay"

And the desk sargeant responds,

	"ErryVay UnnyFay!."
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From: jwz@lucid.com (Jamie Zawinski)
Subject: allegory

I heard this on a documentary about the environment:

A man jumps off the top floor of a skyscraper.  As he passes the seventeenth
floor, someone leans out of a window and asks, "How are you doing?" to which
the man replies, "Fine, so far."

		-- Jamie
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From: tjh@bu-pub.bu.edu (Tim Hall)
this was told to my sister by her parish priest.

How is a Christmas tree and a Catholic priest alike?
They both have ornamental balls.
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From: wayner@svax.cs.cornell.edu (Peter Wayner)
Subject: Hard Times in NYC...

>From the Piece by Eric Idle in the Sunday NYT, Op-Ed page:

Times are so hard in NYC, that the Mafia has even layed off
four judges.
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Subject: Lawyers getting smart ?
From: sfleming@cs.heriot-watt.ac.uk

Well-known saying : "First thing we do is to shoot all the lawyers."

Have you noticed how many Gun Control Bills there are these days ...?
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From: angie@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (angela allen)
Subject: Syllogism on the new feminism

(An original by me and some friends, in response to the "Earth
Mothers" and "Women United in Their Oppression" movements. Must be
spoken for full effect.)

All women are close to nature.
Women vacuum.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Therefore, all women are whores.
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From: slamont%network@ucsd.edu (Steve Lamont)
Subject: One liner

Dyslexus:  the car for drivers who signal left and turn right.
 
							spl
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Subject: definition of a new word
From: stevec@bu-pub.bu.edu

bom.ni.science \bom-'nish-*n(t)s\ n : the situation, quality, or state
        whereby Bo knows everything.
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From: hackman@pnet51.orb.mn.org (-8 Otto "Hack-Man" Heuer 8-)
Subject: Modern Art

    My nephew wants to be an abstract artist, so I got him a "paint-by-
irrational-number" kit.
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Subject: Capitalism
From: dsoneill@sunee.uwaterloo.ca (Darryl O'Neill)

I was watching the Iraqi demonstrations on the news last night and I
began to wonder just how much profit the United States makes selling
the Middle East flags to burn.
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From: D.HENSLEY1@genie.com (Dave Hensley)
Subject: Creative Insults and Retorts           

This is courtesy of Elaine Boosler, the comedienne.  Instead of the usual
"f**k you", she prefers:

"Audit you!"
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Subject: Has Saddam infiltrated my encyclopaedia?
From: bjornmu@idt.unit.no (Bj|rn P. Munch)

I was looking up Saudi Arabia yesterday, and to my horror, I saw the
following statement in the introduction:

  "Borders to Jordan, Iraq, Persian Gulf, Qatar, ....."

Saddam must have sneaked in here, because Kuwait was mysteriously
missing from the list!
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Subject: Radio callsigns
From: sfleming@cs.heriot-watt.ac.uk

The international identifier for the radio station "Voice of Peace, Iraq"
 is L.I.E.
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From: francis%zaphod@gargoyle.uchicago.edu
Subject: Sitting Still

	"I find it hard to sit still in one spot, and impossible to
	sit still in two spots."

		--Brother Theodore, "90 seconds with Brother
		Theodore," on the Comedy Channel
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Organization: University of Washington, Seattle
From: basiji@milton.u.washington.edu (David Basiji)
Subject: Iraqi Defense Forces


Sirs:

This is to inform you that the Iraqi Forces in Defense of Saddam have 
placed a bomb in an undetermined location which will explode at precis...

"Shameless paraphrasing of old Nat. Lamp joke for your enjoyment and 
nationalistic tittering."

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From: JDH92@campus.swarthmore.edu (Jeff Hildebrand)
Subject: Time? Who's got time?

	College students are supposed to be busy normally, but I think we've
taken it to ridiculous extremes here. Consider the following:

Proposed t-shirt slogans:
"Swarthmore College. Where stress is an aquired taste."

"At other places it's called having fun. We call it procrastination."

And then there's the most effective pick-up line on campus:
"Hi, I'm not a major time commitment."

-Jeff Hildebrand	  		          JDH92@campus.swarthmore.edu
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From: tgt@cbnewsg.att.com
Subject: Tidy Bowl Man

(Heard on The Tonight Show, 7-Jan-91, repeat from 27-Dec-90)

Did you hear that the Tidy Bowl Man has written an autobiography?

It's called "Looking out for #1"
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From: crispin@csd.uwo.ca (Crispin Cowan)
Subject: Party Benchmark

Paraphrased from a friend:

The most important criteria in selecting which party to go to:
	the signal-to-nerd ratio.
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From: dud%market.Alliant.COM@linus.UUCP (W.A."Dudley" Gaman)
Subject: Pete Rose's Number Retired

>From the San Francisco Chronicle 1/10/91:

  Allan Malamud of the Los Angeles Times says:
  "Pete Rose was such a model prisoner at Marion,
  Ill., that they're thinking about retiring his
  number."
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From: mokry@ctr.columbia.edu (Robert Mokry)
Subject: Pitted bulls.

How much bull could a pit bull pull if a pit bull would pull bull.
===
Subject: Hit the nail on the head.

Ask not how your country can screw you...
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From: brewer@sol.cs.wmich.edu (Steve Brewer)
Subject: Behavior, professors

One of my undergraduate college professors said:

You can classify any behavior using the scheme 
I call the "Four F's."  These are:
	Feeding,
	Fleeing,
	Fighting, and
	Reproducing.
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From: leban@par3.cs.umass.edu (Bruce Leban)

Q: What's the male equivalent of the maternity dress?

A: The paternity suit.

What goes: groan-boing, groan-boing, groan-boing, groan-boing, groan-boing,
groan-boing, groan-boing, groan-boing, groan-boing, groan-boing, groan-boing?
	Jesus with a rubber cross.

What has fourteen letters, begins and ends with and and is synonimous to eating 
lots of prunes?
	"NNNNNNNNNNNNNN"

"How's the potato crop this year comrade?"
"Well comrade, if we pile them up in one big heap they will reach up to the 
gates of heaven."
"That is good comrade but you know that there is no heaven."
"Yes, and there's not potatoes either."

How many New Kids on the Block does it take to change a light bulb?

Well if they can't sing or dance why should they be able to change light bulbs?

How can you tell that you have passed an elephant?
	You have to scrape yourself off the cieling and you can't get the seat
	back down.

What is the best way to remove pubic hair?
	Use a tooth pick.

When Mary had a little lamb the doctor was very surprised but when Old Macdonald
	had a farm the doctor had a heart attack.

How many efficiency experts does it take to change a light bulb?
	None, they only change dark bulbs.

Two nuns went to an off-licence to get a bottle of vodka for the mother 
superior's constipation. They returned an hour later, p**sed out of their skulls
and asked for another bottle to which the grocer said:
	"I thought it was for the mother superior's constipation."
	"It is," they giggled, "when she sees us she'll s**t herself!"

Thought for the day:
	Why is there only one monopolies commission?

What is yellow and spongy?
	A sponge.

Nuff for now, my next lecture has begun...

					lots of lust,
				
						Kade.