>--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> An engineer thinks that his equations are an approximation to reality. >>> A physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations. >>> A mathematician doesn't care. >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> Why is the number 10 afraid of seven? >>> >>> -- because seven ate nine. >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> We use epsilons and deltas in mathematics because mathematicians tend >>> to make errors. >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> What's big, grey, and proves the uncountability of the reals? >>> Cantor's Diagonal Elephant! >>> >>> How can you tell that Harvard was layed out by a mathematician? >>> The div school [divinity school] is right next to the grad school... >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> The Stanford Linear Accelerator Center was known as SLAC, until the >>> big earthquake, when it became known as SPLAC. >>> >>> SPLAC? Stanford Piecewise Linear Accelerator. >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> Q: How many topologists does it take to change a light bulb? >>> A: It really doesn't matter, since they'd rather knot. >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> A mathematician decides he wants to learn more about practical >>> problems. He sees a seminar with a nice title: "The Theory of Gears." >>> So he goes. The speaker stands up and begins, "The theory of gears >>> with a real number of teeth is well known ..." >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> A group of scientists were doing an investigation into problem-solving >>> techniques, and constructed an experiment involving a physicist, an >>> engineer, and a mathematician. >>> >>> The experimental apparatus consisted of a water spigot and two identical >>> pails, one of which was fastened to the ground ten feet from the spigot. >>> >>> Each of the subjects was given the second pail, empty, and told to fill the >>> pail on the ground. >>> >>> The physicist was the first subject: he carried his pail to the spigot, >>> filled it there, carried it full of water to the pail on the ground, and >>> poured the water into it. Standing back, he declared, "There: I have >>> solved the problem." >>> >>> The engineer and the mathematician each approached the problem similarly. >>> Upon finishing, the engineer noted that the solution was exact, since the >>> volumes of the pails were equal. The mathematician merely noted that he >>> had proven that a solution exists. >>> >>> Now, the experimenters altered the parameters of the task a bit: the pail >>> on the ground was still empty, but the subjects were presented with a pail >>> that was already half-filled with water. >>> >>> The physicist immediately carried his pail over to the one on the ground, >>> emptied the water into it, went back to the spigot, *filled* the pail, and >>> finally emptied the entire contents into the pail on the ground, >>> overflowing it and spilling some of the water. Upon finishing, he >>> commented that the problem should have been better stated. >>> >>> The engineer, in turn, thought for some time before going into action. He >>> then took his half-filled pail to the spigot, filled it to the brim, and >>> filled the pail on the ground from it. Again he noted that the problem had >>> an exact solution, which of course he had found. >>> >>> The mathematician thought for a long time before stirring. At last he >>> stood up, emptied his pail onto the ground, and declared, "The problem has >>> been reduced to one already solved." >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> Professor Dirac, a famous Applied Mathematician-Physicist, had a horse >>> shoe over his desk. One day a student asked if he really believed >>> that a horse shoe brought luck. Professor Dirac replied, "I >>> understand that it brings you luck if you believe in it or not." >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> First of all let me make it clear that I have nothing against >>> contravariant functors. Some of my best friends are cohomology >>> theories! But now you aren't supposed to call them contravariant >>> anymore. It's Algebraically Correct to call them 'differently >>> arrowed'!! >>> >>> In the same way that transcendental numbers are polynomially >>> challenged? >>> >>> Manifolds are personifolds (humanifolds). >>> >>> Neighborhoods are neighbor victims of society. >>> >>> It's the Asian Remainder Theorem. >>> >>> It isn't PC to use "singularity" - the function is "convergently >>> challenged" there. >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> Why did the computer scientist die in the shower? >>> Because he read the instructions on the shampoo bottle, "Lather, >>> rinse, repeat." >>> >>> Why did the calculus student have so much trouble making Kool-Aid? >>> Because he couldn't figure out how to get a quart of water into the >>> little package. >>> >>> Q: Why do computer scientists confuse Christmas and Halloween? >>> A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25 >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> Here are some phrases used to remember SIN, COS, and TAN. >>> (SIN = Opposite/Hypotenuse, COS = Adjacent/H, TAN = O/A). >>> >>> 1. SOHCAHTOA (sock-a-toe-a) >>> >>> 2. The Cat Sat >>> On An Orange >>> And Howled Hard >>> >>> 3. Some Old Hulks >>> Carry A Huge >>> Tub Of Ale >>> >>> 4. Silly Old Hitler >>> Caused Awful Headaches >>> To Our Airmen >>> >>> 5. Some Old Hag >>> Cracked All Her >>> Teeth On Asparagus >>> >>> 6. Some Old Hairy >>> Camels Are Hairier >>> Than Others Are >>> >>> 7. Silly Old Harry >>> Caught A Herring >>> Trawling Off America >>> >>> 8. SOPHY, CADHY, TOAD >>> >>> --------------------------------units and dimensions------------- >>> >>> 2 monograms 1 diagram >>> 8 nickles 2 paradigms >>> 2 wharves 1 paradox >>> >>> 10E5 bicycles 2 megacycles >>> >>> 1 unit of suspense in an Agatha Christie novel 1 whod unit >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> Three Laws of Thermodynamics (paraphrased): >>> >>> First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. >>> >>> Second Law: The most you can accomplish by work is to break even. >>> >>> Third Law: You can't break even. >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> Q: What goes "Pieces of seven! Pieces of seven!"? >>> A: A parroty error!! >>> >>> Q: What did the circle say to the tangent line? >>> A: "Stop touching me!" >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> A mathematician is a person who says that, when 3 people are supposed >>> to be in a room but 5 came out, 2 have to go in so the room gets >>> empty... >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> The upgrade path to the most powerful and satisfying computer: >>> >>> * Pocket calculator >>> >>> * Commodore Pet / Apple II / TRS 80 / Commodore 64 / Timex Sinclair >>> (Choose any of the above) >>> >>> * IBM PC >>> >>> * Apple Macintosh >>> >>> * Fastest workstation of the time (HP, DEC, IBM, SGI: your choice) >>> >>> * Minicomputer (HP, DEC, IBM, SGI: your choice) >>> >>> * Mainframe (IBM, Cray, DEC: your choice) >>> >>> >>> And then you reach the pinnacle of modern computing facilities: >>> >>> ********************************************************* >>> ******* G R A D U A T E S T U D E N T S ******** >>> ********************************************************* >>> >>> Yes, you just sit back and do all of your computing through lowly >>> graduate students. Imagine the advantages: >>> >>> * Multi-processing, with as many processes as you have >>> students. You can easily add more power by promising more >>> desperate undergrads that they can indeed escape college >>> through your guidance. Special student units can even >>> handle several tasks *on*their*own*! >>> >>> * Full voice recognition interface. Never touch a keyboard or >>> mouse again. Just mumble commands and they *will* be >>> understood (or else!). >>> >>> * No hardware upgrades and no installation required. Every >>> student comes complete with all hardware necessary. Never >>> again fry a chip or $10,000 board by improper installation! >>> Just sit that sniveling student at a desk, give it writing >>> utensils (making sure to point out which is the dangerous >>> end) and off it goes. >>> >>> * Low maintenance. Remember when that hard disk crashed in >>> your Beta 9900, causing all of your work to go the great bit >>> bucket in the sky? This won't happen with grad. students. >>> All that is required is that you give them a good *whack!* >>> upside the head when they are acting up, and they will run >>> good as new. >>> >>> * Abuse module. Imagine yelling expletives at your computer. >>> Doesn't work too well, because your machine just sits there >>> and ignores you. Through the grad student abuse module you >>> can put the fear of god in them, and get results to boot! >>> >>> * Built-in lifetime. Remember that awful feeling two years >>> after you bought your GigaPlutz mainframe when the new >>> faculty member on the block sneered at you because his >>> FeelyWup workstation could compute rings around your >>> dinosaur? This doesn't happen with grad. students. When >>> they start wearing and losing productivity, simply give them >>> the PhD and boot them out onto the street to fend for >>> themselves. Out of sight, out of mind! >>> >>> * Cheap fuel: students run on Coca Cola (or the high-octane >>> equivalent -- Jolt Cola) and typically consume hot spicy >>> chinese dishes, cheap taco substitutes, or completely >>> synthetic macaroni replacements. It is entirely unnecessary >>> to plug the student into the wall socket (although this does >>> get them going a little faster from time to time). >>> >>> * Expansion options. If your grad. students don't seem to be >>> performing too well, consider adding a handy system manager >>> or software engineer upgrade. These guys are guaranteed to >>> require even less than a student, and typically establish >>> permanent residence in the computer room. You'll never know >>> they are around! (Which you certainly can't say for an >>> AXZ3000-69 150gigahertz space-heater sitting on your desk >>> with its ten noisy fans....) [Note however that the >>> engineering department still hasn't worked out some of the >>> idiosyncratic bugs in these expansion options, such as >>> incessant muttering at nobody in particular, occasionaly >>> screaming at your grad. students, and posting ridiculous >>> messages on world-wide bulletin boards.] >>> >>> So forget your Babbage Engines and abacuses (abaci?) and PortaBooks >>> and DEK 666-3D's and all that other silicon garbage. The wave of the >>> future is in wetware, so invest in graduate students today! You'll never >>> go back! >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was >>> standing on the shoulder of giants. >>> -- Isaac Newton >>> >>> If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants >>> were standing on my shoulders. >>> -- Hal Abelson >>> >>> In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. >>> -- Brian K. Reid >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> He thinks he's really smooth, but he's only C^1. >>> He's always going off on a tangent. >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> Math and Alcohol don't mix, so... >>> >>> PLEASE DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE >>> >>> Then there's every parent's scream when their child walks into the >>> room dazed and staggering: >>> >>> OH NO...YOU'VE BEEN TAKING DERIVATIVES!! >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment. >>> The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a >>> beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room. >>> The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every >>> five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its >>> current location and the woman on the bed." The mathematician looks >>> at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through >>> this. You know I'll never reach the bed!" And he gets up and storms >>> out. The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the >>> physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes >>> light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. >>> "Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?" The physicist smiles >>> and says, "Yes, but I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!">>> Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you >>> guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and >>> stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need >>> is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, >>> like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper." >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> An engineer, physicist, and mathematician are all challenged with a >>> problem: to fry an egg when there is a fire in the house. The >>> engineer just grabs a huge bucket of water, runs over to the fire, and >>> puts it out. The physicist thinks for a long while, and then measures >>> a precise amount of water into a container. He takes it over to the >>> fire, pours it on, and with the last drop the fire goes out. The >>> mathematician pores over pencil and paper. After a few minutes he >>> goes "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to frying the egg. >>> >>> Sequel: This time they are asked simply to fry an egg (no fire). The >>> engineer just does it, kludging along; the physicist calculates >>> carefully and produces a carefully cooked egg; and the mathematician >>> lights a fire in the corner, and says "I have reduced it to the >>> previous problem." >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> A physicist and a mathematician setting in a faculty lounge. >>> Suddenly, the coffee machine catches on fire. The physicist grabs a >>> bucket and leaps towards the sink, fills the bucket with water and >>> puts out the fire. The second day, the same two sit in the same >>> lounge. Again, the coffee machine catches on fire. This time, the >>> mathematician stands up, gets a bucket, hands the bucket to the >>> physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved one. >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are staying in three >>> adjoining cabins at a decrepit old motel. >>> >>> First the engineer's coffee maker catches fire on the bathroom vanity. >>> He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs it, throws it out the window, >>> and goes back to sleep. >>> >>> Later that night the physicist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees >>> that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. He says to >>> himself, "Hmm. How does one put out a fire? One can reduce the >>> temperature of the fuel below the flash point, isolate the burning >>> material from oxygen, or both. This could be accomplished by applying >>> water." So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the shower stall, >>> turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep. >>> >>> The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the >>> window. So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the >>> bedsheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback. He immediately >>> sees that the problem reduces to one that has already been solved and >>> goes back to sleep. >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question: >>> >>> Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and >>> a hose not connected to the hydrant. What would you do? >>> >>> P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out >>> the fire. >>> >>> M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out >>> the fire. >>> >>> Then they were asked this question: >>> >>> Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to >>> a hydrant. What would you do? >>> >>> P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve. >>> >>> M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire, >>> reducing the problem to a previously solved form. >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living. They >>> went to see a counselor, and he decided that they had good problem >>> solving skills. >>> >>> He tried a test to narrow the area of specialty. He put each man in a >>> room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the table. He said >>> "Boil the water". Both men moved the pot from the table to the stove >>> and turned on the burner to boil the water. Next, he put them into a >>> room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the floor. Again, >>> he said "Boil the water". The first man put the pot on the stove and >>> turned on the burner. The counselor told him to be an Engineer, >>> because he could solve each problem individually. The second man >>> moved the pot from the floor to the table, and then moved the pot from >>> the table to the stove and turned on the burner. The counselor told >>> him to be a mathematician because he reduced the problem to a >>> previously solved problem. >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> So a mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are out hunting >>> together. They spy a deer(*) in the woods. >>> >>> The physicist calculates the velocity of the deer and the effect of >>> gravity on the bullet, aims his rifle and fires. Alas, he misses; the >>> bullet passes three feet behind the deer. The deer bolts some yards, >>> but comes to a halt, still within sight of the trio. >>> >>> "Shame you missed," comments the engineer, "but of course with an >>> ordinary gun, one would expect that." He then levels his special >>> deer-hunting gun, which he rigged together from an ordinary rifle, a >>> sextant, a compass, a barometer, and a bunch of flashing lights which >>> don't do anything but impress onlookers, and fires. Alas, his bullet >>> passes three feet in front of the deer, who by this time wises up and >>> vanishes for good. >>> >>> "Well," says the physicist, "your contraption didn't get it either." >>> >>> "What do you mean?" pipes up the mathematician. "Between the two of >>> you, that was a perfect shot!" >>> >>> ---------- >>> >>> (*) How they knew it was a deer: >>> >>> The physicist observed that it behaved in a deer-like manner, so it >>> must be a deer. >>> >>> The mathematician asked the physicist what it was, thereby reducing it >>> to a previously solved problem. >>> >>> The engineer was in the woods to hunt deer, therefore it was a deer. >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> A computer scientist, mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were >>> travelling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the >>> window of the train. >>> >>> "Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black." >>> >>> "Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are >>> black." >>> >>> "No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least >>> one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is >>> black!" >>> >>> "Oh, no!" shouts the computer scientist, "A special case!" >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> A Mathematician (M) and an Engineer (E) attend a lecture by a >>> Physicist. The topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical >>> processes that occur in spaces with dimensions of 11, 12 and even >>> higher. The M is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the E >>> is frowning and looking generally confused and puzzled. By the end >>> the E has a terrible headache. At the end, the M comments about the >>> wonderful lecture. The E says "How do you understand this stuff?" >>> M: "I just visualize the process." >>> E: "How can you POSSIBLY visualize something that occurs in >>> 11-dimensional space?" >>> M: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to 11." >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> What is "pi"? >>> >>> Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the >>> circumference of a circle and its diameter. >>> >>> Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927 plus or minus 0.00000005 >>> >>> Engineer: Pi is about 3. >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> When considering the behaviour of a howitzer: >>> >>> A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land. >>> >>> A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there. >>> >>> An engineer will stand there and try to catch it. >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an >>> anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no >>> doubt already heard. After some observations and rough calculations >>> the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few >>> minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself >>> happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. >>> >>> This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed >>> right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite >>> rapidly the presence of humour from similar anecdotes, but considers >>> this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let >>> alone funny. >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> Q: What's purple and commutes? >>> A: An abelian grape. >>> >>> Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"? >>> A: Because he left a residue at every pole. >>> >>> Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation >>> function, the more expensive it becomes to compute? >>> A: That's the Law of Spline Demand. >>> >>> Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? >>> A: One, who gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing it to an >>> earlier riddle. >>> -- from a button I bought at Nancy Lebowitz's table at Boskone >>> >>> Q: What do a mathematician and a physicist [or engineer, or musician, >>> or whatever the profession of the person addressed] have in common? >>> A: They are both stupid, with the exception of the mathematician. >>> >>> Q: What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of mount everest? >>> A: A high-pot-in-use >>> >>> Q: What do you call a broken record? >>> A: A Decca-gone >>> >>> Q: What do you get when you cross 50 female pigs and 50 male deer? >>> A: One hundred sows-and-bucks >>> >>> Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip? >>> A: To get to the other ... er, um ... >>> >>> Q: What is the world's longest song? >>> A: "Aleph-nought Bottles of Beer on the Wall." >>> >>> Q: What does a mathematician do when he's constipated? >>> A: He works it out with a pencil. >>> >>> Q: What's yellow and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice. >>> A: Zorn's Lemon. >>> >>> Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a zebra. >>> A: Elephant zebra sin theta. >>> >>> Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mountain climber. >>> A: You can't do that. A mountain climber is a scalar. >>> >>> Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a banana? >>> A: Elephant banana sine theta in a direction mutually perpendicular to >>> the two as determined by the right hand rule. >>> >>> Q: To what question is the answer "9W." >>> A: "Dr. Wiener, do you spell your name with a V?" >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge >>> in pill form. >>> >>> A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what >>> kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says "Here's a >>> pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows >>> it and has new knowledge about English literature! >>> >>> "What else do you have?" asks the student. >>> >>> "Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," >>> replies the pharmacist. >>> >>> The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge >>> about those subjects. >>> >>> Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?" >>> >>> The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the >>> storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the >>> counter. >>> >>> "I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student. >>> >>> The pharmacist replied "Well, you know math always was a little hard >>> to swallow." >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> "A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems" >>> -- P. Erdos >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> Three standard Peter Lax jokes (heard in his lectures) : >>> >>> 1. What's the contour integral around Western Europe? >>> Answer: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe! >>> Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but >>> they are removable! >>> >>> 2. An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his very religious >>> colleague: >>> Do you believe in one God? >>> Answer: Yes, up to isomorphism! >>> >>> 3. What is a compact city? >>> It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted >>> policemen! >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> "Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking >>>about." >>> >>> >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- >----- >>> >>> Heisenberg might have slept here. >>> >>> Moebius always does it on the same side. >>> >>> Statisticians probably do it >>> >>> Algebraists do it in groups. >>> >>> (Logicians do it) or [not (logicians do it)].