Ig Nobel Prizes
           summarized from December 1994 Scientific American

1,200 spectators jammed into M.I.T.'s Kresage Auditorium to witness the
"Fourth First Annual Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony."  The Ig Nobel Prizes, named
for the "legendary Ignatius 'Ig' Nobel, co-inventor of soda-pop," are
awarded to real people "whose achievements cannot or should not be
reproduced."  They are a joint production of the Annals of Improbably
Research and the M.I.T. Museum.

The awards were interrupted periodically for Heisenberg Certainty Lectures.
The certainty: no lecture lasts more than 30 seconds, or a black-clad
referee whistles the speaker off the stage.  One of the lectures was: "The
following statement of the Heisenberg Certainty Principle is dedicated to
the U.S. Congress: If your position is everywhere, your momentum is zero."

The Igs:

Biology: Awarded to the authors of "The Constipated Serviceman: Prevalence
among Deployed U.S. Troups" which appeared in Military Medicine in 1993.

Medicine: Patient X, who refused to be named, was awarded the Ig for his
attempt to use electroshock to neutralize venom after he had been bitten by
his pet rattlesnake.  The juice came from a car engine revved to 3,000 rpm
for five minutes.  It was applied through sparkplug wires attached to
Patient X's lip.  X shared the award with the authors of a medical report
of the incident, "Failure of Electric Shock Treatment for Rattlesnake
Envenomation."  One of the co-authors stated: "I was stunned to received
the 1994 Ig Nobel Prize in Medicine, although not as shocked as our
patient."

Entomology: Veterinarian Robert A. Lopez received his Ig for his brave and
successful attempts to find out whether ear mites from cats can inflict
damage on humans.  He did this by inserting mites into his own ears not
once, not twice, but three times.

Chemistry: This Ig was given to former Texas state senator Bob Glasgow for
his sponsorship of a 1989 drug-control law that would make it illegal to
purchase laboratory glassware without a permit.  Rather than a total ban on
glassware, Tim Mitchell, a representative of Corning, suggested a "five-day
cooling-off period."  He admitted, however, that beakers and test tubes can
start a habit that might leave one "strung out, begging for grant money."

Mathematics: Awarded to the Southern Baptist Church of Alabama for "their
county-by-county estimate of how many Alabama citizens will go to hell if
they don't repent."  The Honorable Terje Korsnes, consul of Norway,
accepted the Ig on behalf of the people of Hell, a little town in Norway.
"We have a special place in Hell for all of you," Kornes said.

Psychology: Lee Kuan Yew, former prime minister of Singapore, received this
Ig for his 30-year study of the effects of negative reinforement.  Namely,
the punishing of the citizens of Singapore "whenever they spat, chewed gum,
or fed pigeons."

Physics: Awarded to the Japanese Meteorological Agency "for its seven-year
study of whether earthquakes are caused by catfish wiggling their tails."

Literature: Awarded to L. Ron Hubbard "for his crackling Good Book,
Dianetics, which is highly profitable to mankind, or to a portion thereof."

Peace: Awarded to John Hagelin of Maharishi International University and
the Institute of Science, Technology, and Public Pology.  Winner of the Ig
Nobel Peace Prize "for his experimental conclusion that 4,000 trained
mediators caused an 18 percent decrease in violent crime in Washington,
D.C."

Economics: Awarded to Juan Pablo Davila, former employee of the state-owned
company Coldelco.  Davila's Ig was awarded for instructing his computer to
"buy" when he meant "sell."  The ultimate consequence was the loss of 0.5
percent of the gross national product.  In Chile "davilar" is now a verb
meaning "to botch things up royally."