The Magic Items that TSR Forgot
>by Bill Garrett
>
>
>Tired of the same, old magic items that have been in the rulebooks for
>the past 13 years?  Forthwith lies a compendium of late-night, beer-
>fueled humor, cleverly disguised as a list of new magical items.  Drop
>one or two into your game for a few extra laughs.
>
>
>Mace of Disruption
>
>This item appears to be a normal mace +1 and is usable only by spell
>casters, but is laiden with a curse that does not become apparent
>until the possessor tries to cast a spell.  At this point, the mace
>will loudly yell "Hey, you!" and will begin to spout off insults at
>the wielder so as to break up the caster's concentration and hence
>ruin the spell.
>
>
>Wand of Blunder
>
>This wand looks like the lower leg bone of a large dog and will
>radiate a strong dweomer of the Silly type if a detect magic spell is
>cast.  Every use expends one charge and produces one of the following
>results: (roll d12)
>
>1)      Severs user's hand
>2)      Causes target to lose all body hair
>3)      Performs Create Water, over user's head
>4)      Creates massive stench, causing all party members to retch for
>        one round (save vs. poison allowed)
>5)      Banner shoots out from end of wand, proclaiming "BANG!"
>6)      Target shrinks to 1/10 normal height
>7)      Target grows to 10 times normal size
>8)      Wand disappears permanently (Hurrah!)
>9)      Gates in either a cockroach (50%) or a mouse (50%)
>10)     Conjures a lightbulb, which appears over user's head,
>        accompanied by the "ding" of a bell
>11)     Launches 100 moldy bagels at target.
>12)     Destroys entire multiverse.  Game over.
>
>
>Potion of Surrealness
>
>The imbiber of this potion will quickly lose all interest in what
>others perceive as "reality".  He/she will instead ponder such
>questions as "Why don't orcs come with blue and purple bathroom
>fixtures?"
>
>
>Clotheshamper of Endless Laundry
>
>This large container will always have a plentiful supply of raiment
>available.  Unfortunately, it will always be dirty, smelly, of the
>wrong color, and it won't quite fit the person who wants it.
>
>
>Libram of Literacy
>
>By reading this complex book cover to cover, one who is currently
>illiterate will learn how to read.
>
>
>Gauntlet of Eternal Masturbation
>
>Strongly resembles a beneficial magical item such as Gauntlets of Ogre
>Power or Gauntlets of Dexterity.  Once this gauntlet is put on, it can
>only be removed by a Remove Curse or Wish spell.
>
>
>Prophylactic of Protection
>
>Prevents pregnancies (90%) and confers upon its wearer 90% immunity to
>sexually-transmitted diseases.
>
>
>Sword, Nerf
>
>Are you the non-violent type?  Do you want to set an example that's
>OK for the kids to try at home?  Or are you just tired of stabbing
>yourself?  If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, this is
>the weapon for you.  Note that this sword is usable by Priests as it
>is not a slashing or piercing weapon.
>
>
>Ion Stones
>
>These spherical magical items come in two types; one is marked with
>"-" glyphs; the other bears some number of "+" sigils.  The exact
>number of markings indicates the strength of the Ion.  Stones of
>opposite types attract until they form a group of Stones with an equal
>number of "+" and "-" runes.  Ion stones are customarily found in such
>groups.
>
>
>Mall of the Titans
>
>This enclosed shop-o-rama has everything one could possibly imagine,
>including lots of Big-and-Tall Men's shops.
>
>
>Potion of Bowel Control
>
>Cures imbiber of any intestinal disorders and/or incontinence (forget
>those adult undergarments!).  Roughly 1 in 10 of these potions are
>cursed to cause permanent loss of control.
>
>
>Staff, Administrative
>
>This staff will claim to be able to do just about anything, but in
>reality works too slowly and too poorly to do much of anything.  These
>Staves come in different sizes -- the bigger, the worse.  The staff
>will always grow when requested to do something.
>
>
>Cloak of Obesity
>
>This bulky garment makes the wearer look as much as 50 pounds heavier
>than he/she actually is.  If used in conjunction with a disguise
>proficiency, it increases the chance of success by 30%.
>
>
>Horn of Frogs
>
>When this odd, green horn is blown, 10d10 frogs fly from the orifice.
>Their trajectory will spread them out in a 60-degree arc with a 60'
>radius.  Any creatures caught within this area of effect are assumed
>to collide with 1d10 frogs (1 point of damage each).  Movement is
>reduced to 1/4 normal and all affected creatures must make a saving
>throw vs dragon breath at +4 or be knocked over.
>
>
>Rug of Slobbering
>
>These rugs are normally indistinguishable from ordinary carpets, but
>radiate a strong magical dweomer.  When a Rung of Slobbering is
>unfurled and tossed at a target, it will envelop the victim and
>slobber rabidly for 1d4+2 rounds, after which it will fall limply to
>the ground.  Note that the victim and all of his/her possessions will
>be completely water-logged.
>
>
>Crystal Ball, Disco
>
>Disco Balls are silver multifaceted spheres, usually 2 feet in
>diameter.  Once per day, on command, the Ball will levitate up to 30'
>in the air and will rotate slowly, casting a special Dancing Lights
>spell.  One in 10 of these items have the further capability of
>casting Otto's Irresistable Dance at the 13th level of magic use.
>
>
>Dust of Dirtiness
>
>This magical powder, when spread over an object, will cause the
>surface to becme dirty.  Each small pouch can cover an area of 10
>square feet.
>
>
>Cloak of Promiscuity
>
>This cloak appears to be a fairly good-looking piece of clothing.
>When donned, it becomes transparent to all individuals except the
>person wearing it.
>
>
>Bag of Vomit
>
>This item appears to be an ordinary, non-descript satchel.  When it is
>opened and inverted, however, it vomits uncontrollably for 1 round.
>There is always a faint but odd odor to this item.
>
>
>Bucknard's Everfull Barfbag
>
>Not to be confused with a Bag of Vomit, Bucknard's Everfull Barfbag is
>always full of regurgitated food and vile stomach juices.  If emptied
>by any amount, it will refill itself the next day.  This item is
>rumored to be an orifice of an extra-planar creature who perpetually
>drinks too much alcohol.
>
>
>Cloak of Misplacement
>
>For nearly all intents and purposes, this is an ordinary piece of
>clothing.  Anytime a wearer removes it, there is a 30% chance that it
>will spontaneously disappear.
>
>
>Ring, Token
>
>Creatures who wear this powerful ring gain the ability to communicate
>with eachother via a message-passing protocol.  Comes in 4 Mbps and 16
>Mbps varieties.
>
>
>Shell of Process Control
>
>With this power device (utility, actually), a wielder gains complete
>control over all processes, including rights to change their state,
>resource allocation, and priority.  There might be dangerous side
>effects, though, as the Shell uses the Bind Socket spell to coerce the
>appropriate Daemons to do the user's bidding.  Specifically, there is
>a 10% chance per shell command that the daemon will escape the
>bindings and KILL-9 the user or create 2d4 zombie processes and send
>them at the user.
>
>
>Gem of Worthlessness
>
>This appears to be a valuable stone such as a diamond, emerald, or
>ruby, but is actually just cut glass.
>
>
>Sword +1, +4 vs Masonry
>
>This weapon was created to destroy masonry.  When within 60' of any
>stones, bricks, mortar, concrete, or rocks, the sword will pulse
>angrily.  For each 100 pounds of such materials, there is a cumulative
>10% chance that the weapon will dominate the user and force him/her to
>attack all masonry in sight until it is reduced to rubble.
>
>
>Potion of PMS
>
>This potion causes its imbiber to be subject to violent mood shifts
>for d4+1 days.  These mood shifts can occur as frequently as the
>player or DM desire, but a general rule is every four to six hours.
>
>
>Potion of Gaseous Farts
>
>Causes unsurpressible flatulence for d6+4 rounds.
>
>
>Horn of ThreeTons
>
>When blown, this horn causes one ton each of shrubbery, cats, and
>cream pies to rain down upon the user.  It is rummored that different
>horns summon forth different combinations.
>
>
>Loincloth of Strangluation
>
>Works like the Necklace of Strangulation, but affects a different
>region of the body.
>
>
>Manual of Goyim
>
>The title should explain it all.  If you don't understand it already,
>just forget it.
>
>
>Manual of Painful Exercise
>
>After reading this lengthy book and dutifully performing all the
>exercises described therein for 30 days, the reader will permanently
>lose 2 points of Dexterity due to bruised ligaments.
>
>
>Lenses of Protection
>
>You wouldn't hit a person with glasses, would you?
>
>
>Wand of Masturbation
>
>[CENSORED]
>
>
>Sword +1, +5 vs. Wielder
>
>This maleficent weapon has a secret desire to destroy any creature who
>possesses it.  On an unmodified attack roll of 1, 2, or 3, the weapon
>strikes the wielder for maximum damage.
>
>
>Whip of Self-Flagellation
>
>This whip appears to be an ordinary flogging device until actually
>picked up, at which point the holder is cursed into becoming a
>masochist.
>
>
>Dagger of Whining
>
>This miserable little blade is never happy.  Whether sheathed or
>drawn, it will always find something to complain about, such as "Put
>me back Q it's cold out!", "Awww, now I'm all bloody!", and "I've been
>dropped, and no one's picking me up!"
>
>
>Trident of Dish Command
>
>Make those plates do your bidding!  This weapon can control either 4d8
>normal plates/bowls/cups or 2d8 pots/pans/cookie sheets.
>
>
>Gauntlets of Groping
>
>They seem to have a mind of their own...
>
>
>Nolzur's Marvelous Mushrooms
>
>Each 'shroom has enough psychedelic energy for a really wild trip.
>These fungi are typically found in small colonies of 4d4 mushrooms.
>
>
>Hammer of Dunderdolts
>
>This powerful warhammer always functions as a +0.001 weapon.  Whenever
>an attack roll of an unmodified 20 is rolled, the hammer will fly
>forth with a deafening "DUUUHHHHH!!" and will strike the target for
>normal damage plus triple the magical bonus.  The victim's
>Intelligence will be reduced by 5 points or one-half, whichever is
>lower.
>
>
>Gauntlets of Ogre Brains
>
>Immediately lowers (raises?) the wearer's Intelligence and Wisdom to
>those of an average Ogre -- namely, 6 in each.  Also modifies the
>user's posture and manners to those common to Ogres.
>
>                                                        Andrew Twyman