THE CRT FEATURE ARTICLE:  SOME OF THE MOST USELESS SPELLS
Compiled by Craig Pearlman

The following spells were compiled from a thread on rec.games.frp.dnd from 
about a month ago.  I take no credit for any of these spells.

Animate Bread

Bigby's Groping Hand
Bigby's Insulting Hand
Bigby's Really Friendly Hand

Charm Friends
Charm Potted Plants
Charm Self
Crass Suggestion

Deeppocket Lint
Delayed Blast Cantrip
Demi-Shadow Puppets
Deny Reality
Detect Self
Detect Detect-Spells
Dimension Doorknob
Drawmij's Instant Coffee

ESPN
Evard's Black Testicles
Extinguish Match (casting time, 5 rounds)

Feign Life
Finger of Near Fatal Injury
Furball

Hallucinatory Train
Heel
Hold Self

Improper Suggestion
Invisibility To Inanimate Objects

Kitchen Sink
Kooshball

Leomund's Risky Tax Shelter
Locate Self (tells you where you are relative to your location)

Magic Sword -- Mage's can't use swords!  And who wants to help the other poor slobs in the party!
Memorize Spell
Mistaken Identify
Mordenkainen's Aroused Hound
Mordenkainen's Unfaithful Wife
Mordenkainen's Faithful Mosquito
Mordenkainen's Agnostic Hound
Mordenkainen's Bored Cat

Polymorph Mother
Power Word, Noogie
Power Word, Wedgie
Power Word, Pun
Protection From Normal Oxygen
Protection From Elvis, 10' Radius

Remove Nurse (Hello, NURSE!;  for YOU Mike...)
Rice Storm
Rock Summoning I

Shocking Gasp
Soap-On-A-Rope Trick
Solid Frog
Speak With Self
Summon Self

Tasha's Uncontrollable Bladder
Tasha's Controllable Mildly Unpleasant Laughter
Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Daughter
Teleport Without Destination
Tenser's Deadly Resurrection
Tenser's Shocking Suggestion

Walk
Wizard Stain
Wizard Eyebrow

                                                    From:      CPEARLMA @drew.drew.edu