>How the Gingrinch Stole Congress!
>> > >by Kris Rabberman & Scott Prevost
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >Every Who
>> > >Down in Whoville
>> > >Liked Elections a lot . . .
>> > >
>> > >But Newt Gingrinch,
>> > >Who lived on Mount Gridlock,
>> > >Did NOT!
>> > >
>> > >The Gingrinch loathed voting, the whole campaign season!
>> > >Now, please don't ask why.  No one quite knows the reason.
>> > >It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
>> > >It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
>> > >But I think that the most likely reason of all,
>> > >May have been that his brain was two sizes too small.
>> > >
>> > >But whatever the reason,
>> > >His brain or his shoes,
>> > >He stood there Election Eve , hating the Whos,
>> > >Staring down from Mount Gridlock with a Gingrinchy frown,
>> > >At the candidates stumping below in their town.
>> > >For he knew every Who who was thinking that night,
>> > >Would cast their votes wisely--against the far right.
>> > >
>> > >``And they're worried about issues!'' he snarled with a sneer,
>> > >``Tomorrow's the election! It's practically here!''
>> > >And the gears in his head began frantically spinning,
>> > >``I MUST find a way to keep liberals from winning!''
>> > >
>> > >For tomorrow, he knew all the Whos in the know,
>> > >Would vote for the DemoWhos all in a row,
>> > >For Wofford and Foley, Feinstein and Cuomo.
>> > >
>> > >Then the DemoWho Congress would do what he'd hate,
>> > >Come up with new programs, and then legislate!
>> > >Healthcare and gun bans they'd gladly create,
>> > >But such progress the Gingrinch would only berate.
>> > >
>> > >And THEN they'd do something
>> > >He liked least of all!
>> > >Every DemoWho in Congress, the tall and the small,
>> > >Would stand close together, and say with one voice,
>> > >``We're for women's rights and we're also pro-choice!''
>> > >
>> > >They'd work! And they'd work!
>> > >AND they'd WORK!  WORK!  WORK!  WORK!
>> > >And the more that the Gingrinch thought, with a smirk,
>> > >The more that he thought, ``I must STOP their hard work!
>> > >``Why since Who-sevelt's years I've put up with it now!
>> > >``I MUST stop the liberals from winning!
>> > >. . .  But HOW?''
>> > >
>> > >Then he got an idea!
>> > >An AWFUL idea!
>> > >The Newt
>> > >got a HORRIBLE, AWFUL idea!
>> > >
>> > >``I know just what to do!'' Gingrinch laughed in his throat.
>> > >``I'll make empty vows in return for their vote.''
>> > >And he chuckled, and clucked, ``I've got a great con.
>> > >``With these lies we'll pay homage to President Ron!''
>> > >
>> > >``All I need is a gimmick . . .''
>> > >The Newt looked around.
>> > >But since ideas are scarce, there were none to be found.
>> > >Did that stop the old Gingrinch
>> > >>From finding a scheme . . . ?
>> > >Of course not, he had the Republican team.
>> > >So he called Mr. Dole, and he eagerly said,
>> > >``I need to make use of your sly, sneaky head.''
>> > >
>> > >Then they made up a plan,
>> > >That was terribly Dole-y,
>> > >To unseat the speaker,
>> > >Congressman Foley.
>> > >
>> > >And they wrote up a contract.
>> > >They did it that day,
>> > >And they chortled and laughed,
>> > >``All the liberals must pay.''
>> > >
>> > >As the Gingrinch and Dole formulated their schemes,
>> > >Based on trickle down theories and far right extremes,
>> > >The DemoWhos, calmly, were dreaming their dreams.
>> > >First Gingrinch and Dole, with a gleam in their eyes,
>> > >About Clinton's record, told many lies.
>> > >
>> > >Then they told of the programs they'd gleefully pinch,
>> > >Who better to do this than Mr. Gingrinch?
>> > >They got stuck only once, on the issue of ketchup,
>> > >So they got on the phone and they called Orrin Hatch up.
>> > >Then both of them sunk to a terrible low.
>> > >``Entitlements,'' they grinned, ``are the first things to go!''
>> > >
>> > >Then they slithered and slunk, with smiles most unpleasant,
>> > >Obnoxiously trashing the left, past and present!
>> > >``With Huffington, Romney, North and Santorum,
>> > >``We're sure that the left cannot help but deplore 'em!''
>> > >With ads so misleading they're practically criminal,
>> > >``We'll use our PAC money for commercials subliminal!''
>> > >
>> > >``We'll bombard them with TV, and a racist disc-jockey!
>> > >``Who supports Chuck Haytaian and dark-horse Pataki.
>> > >``We'll support Ollie North, and Dewine over Hyatt,
>> > >``And with all of his cash, we'll have Huffington buy it!''
>> > >
>> > >``When we win, we'll control each and every committee,
>> > >``To be sure funds are sent to nary a city!
>> > >``And Alfonse D'amato,'' (the dork from New York),
>> > >``can continue to rant about Bill Clinton's pork!''
>> > >
>> > >``Against Feinstein and Boxer's ardent protesting,
>> > >``Senator Packwood can keep on molesting!''
>> > >By the twisted up logic of Jesse and Strom,
>> > >``With gays in the army, we lost Vietnam!''
>> > >
>> > >``A lineup like this is Clinton's worst fear,''
>> > >said Gingrinch to Dole, with a dastardly sneer.
>> > >
>> > >``Taxes, the wealthy should not have to pay,''
>> > >the maniacal duo was eager to say.
>> > >``And when Congress is ours, we'll have prayer in the schools,''
>> > >Muttered Dole to the Newt, ``Disregard liberal fools!''
>> > >
>> > >The plan was enacted,
>> > >The ballots were cast,
>> > >The sham made the voters return to the past.
>> > >
>> > >The Gingrinch was gleeful, and Dole started gloating,
>> > >before all the Whos had completed their voting.
>> > >``We now have a mandate!'' they said with a laugh,
>> > >Even though, of the votes, they received only half.
>> > >
>> > >With snickering Newt in the role of the Speaker,
>> > >The prospects for changes have never been bleaker.
>> > >``The plans that we've outlined, we won't be revising,''
>> > >said Gingrinch, ``We simply ABHOR compromising!''
>> > >
>> > >____________________________________________
>> > >
>> > >The day of this scary Republican showing,
>> > >We started to notice Newt's head slowly growing,
>> > >Though now we can say, as you may have inferred,
>> > >His brain started shrinking that day, so we've heard.
>> > >
>> > >Though the Whos may be worried and shaking in fear,
>> > >>From the dastardly changes that soon may be here,
>> > >The way Whos can solve this is really a cinch,
>> > >In '96 vote against cynic Gingrinch!
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >DISCLAIMER: The opinions expressed here are not necessarily the
>> > >opinions of Dr. Seuss, or those with an interest in his estate, or
>> > >anyone related to him, or anyone he met only once on a crowded train
>> > >traveling from New York to Chicago, or his former next-door-neighbor's
>> > >dog Max.  Some stanzas of the preceding work were directly stolen from
>> > >Dr. Seuss' classic work, "How the Grinch Stole Christmas," without the
>> > >permission, expressed or implied, of Theodor or Audrey Geisel, or
>> > >Random House, Inc.  This work was created solely for the amusement of
>> > >the authors and should not be copied, distributed or otherwise
>> > >duplicated by any means (electronic or telepathic included) without
>> > >the expressed written consent of whoever owns the copyright to the
>> > >book the authors plagiarized to create this masterpiece.  Any evidence
>> > >to the contrary should be construed as purely accidental and not the
>> > >intent of the authors (who, by the way, receive no monetary benefit
>> > >for having written the poem, but had to pay an overpriced lawyer for
>> > >this disclaimer) .  The authors accept no responsibility for any
>> > >nightmares or other psychological problems caused by reading this work
>> > >to liberals already suffering from Post Election Stress Disorder.