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>                The World According to Student Bloopers
>
>                         Richard Lederer
>                        St. Paul's School
>
>One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
>receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay.  I have
>pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably
>genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United
>States, from eighth grade through college level.  Read carefully, and you
>will learn a lot.
>
>The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies.  They lived in the Sarah
>Dessert and travelled by Camelot.  The climate of the Sarah is such that
>the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert
>are cultivated by irritation.  The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the
>shape of a huge triangular cube.  The Pyramids are a range of mountains
>between France and Spain.
>
>The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.  In the first book of the
>Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.  One of
>their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"  God asked Abraham
>to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma.  Jacob, son of Issac, stole his
>brother's birthmark.  Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve
>sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it.  One of Jacob's sons,
>Joseph, gave refuse to the Isrealites.
>
>Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without any straw. Moses
>led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread
>made without any ingredients.  Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide
>to get the ten commandments.  David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing
>the liar.  He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in
>Biblical times.  Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500
>porcupines.
>
>Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history.  The Greeks invented three
>kinds of columns--Corinthian, Doric and Ironic.  They also had myths.  A
>myth is a female moth.  One myth says tha the mother of Achilles dipped
>him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable.  Achilles appears in
>"The Illiad," by Homer.  Homer also wrote the "Oddity," in which Penelope
>was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey.Actually, Homer
>was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
>
>Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
>advice.  They killed him.  Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
>
>In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
>threw the java.  The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.  The
>government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into
>their own hands.  There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so
>high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were
>doing.  When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered
>because the Persians had more men.
>
>Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks.  History calls people the
>Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.  At Roman
>banquets, guests wore garlic in their hair.  Julius Caesar extinguished
>himself on the battlefields of Gaul.  The Ides of March killed him
>because they thought he was going to be made a king.  Nero was a cruel
>tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
>
>Then came the middle ages.  King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Aurthur
>lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the
>Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw,
>and the victims of the black death grew boobs on their necks.  Finally,
>the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the
>same offense.
>
>In midevil times most people were alliterate.  The greatest writer of the
>time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote
>literature.  Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow
>through an apple while standing on his son's head.
>
>The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals fekt the value of
>their human being.  Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at
>Wittenburg for selling papal indulgences.  He died a horrible death,
>being excommunicated by a bull.  It was the painter Donatello's interest
>in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.  It was
>an age of great inventions and discoveries.  Gutenberg invented the
>Bible.  Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
>cigarettes.  Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
>Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
>
>The government of England was a limited mockery.  Henry VIII found
>walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.  Queen Elizabeth
>was the "Virgin Queen."  As a queen she was a success.  When Elizabeth
>exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah."  Then her
>navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
>
>The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
>Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his
>plays.  He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies,
>comedies and errors.  In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations
>out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.  In another,
>Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the king by attacking his
>manhood.  Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes.
>He wrote "Donkey Hote."  The next great author was John Milton.  Milton
>wrote "Pardise Lost."  Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
>
>During the Renaissance America began.  Christopher Columbus was a great
>navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.  His
>ships were called the Nina. the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.  Later the
>Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress.  When
>they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down
>the hill rolling their war hoops before them.  The Indian squabs carried
>porpoises on their backs.  Many of the Indians were killed, along with
>their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them.  The winter of 1620 was
>a hard one for the settlers.  Many people died and many babies were
>born.  Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
>
>The causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their
>tea.  Also, the colonists would send their packages through the post
>withou stamps.  During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing
>balls over stone walls.  The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing.
>Finally the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis.
>
>Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented
>Congress.  Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
>singers of theDeclaration of Independence.  Franklin had gone to Boston
>carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each
>arm.  He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a
>horse divided against itself cannot stand."  Franklin died in 1790 and is
>still dead.
>
>George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the father
>of our country.  Then the Constitution of the Uninted States was adopted
>to secure domestic hostility.  Under the Constitution the people enjoyed
>the right to keep bare arms.
>
>Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.  Lincoln's mother
>died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
>own hands.  When Lincoln was president, he wore only a tall silk hat.  He
>said, "In onion there is strength."  Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg
>Address while travelling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an
>envelope.  He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the
>Fourteenth Amendment gave ex-Negroes citizenship.  But the Clue Clux Clan
>would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims.  On
>the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in
>his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.  The believed
>assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor.  This ruined
>Booth's career.
>
>Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.  Voltare
>invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy."  Gravity was
>invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when
>the apples are flaling off the trees.
>
>Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.
>Handel was half German, half Italian and half English.  He was very
>large.  Bach died from 1750 to the present.  Beethoven wrote music even
>though he was deaf.  He was so deaf he wrote loud music.  He took long
>walks in the forrest even when everyone was calling for him.  Beethoven
>expired in 1827 and later died for this.
>
>France was in a very serious state.  The French revolution was
>accomplished before it happened.  The Marseillaise was the theme song of
>the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon.  During the
>Napoleonic wars, the crowned heads of Eroupe were trembling in their
>shoes.  Then the Spanish gorrilas came down the hills and nipped at
>Napoleon's flanks.  Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was
>very tense and unrestrained.  He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but
>since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.
>
>The sun never set on the Brittish Empire because the Brittish Empire is
>in the East and the sun sets in the West.  Queen Victoria was the longest
>queen.She sat on the throne for 63 years.  Her reclining years and
>finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality.  Her
>death was the final event which ended her reign.
>
>The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.
>The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
>Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a
>hundred men.  Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy.  Louis Pastuer
>discovered a cure for rabbis.  Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote
>"The Organ of the Species."  Madman Curie discovered radium.  And Karl
>Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
>
>The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a
>surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.