COLLEGE "BURGER JOINT" CONVERSATIONS FROM AROUND THE NATION:

 MIT: "I had a nervous breakdown this weekend."
      "Have some fries."

 Caltech: "I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend."
          "Have some fries."

 Yale: "I got mugged on the way to class today."
       "Have some fries."

 Brown: "I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith."
        "Cool! Me too! Have some fries."

 Syracuse: "I've been drunk for six days and skipped all of my classes"
           "Well what's the sense in stopping now. Have a beer."

 Princeton: "My father took away my porsche this weekend."
            "Poor dear. Have some escargot."

 Harvard: "Did you do anything this weekend?"
          "Nope. Have some fries."

 Williams: "Don't I know you?"
           "Of course you do, silly. Have some fries."

 Cornell: "I killed my lab partner this weekend."
          "Bummer. Have some fries."

 Columbia: "I wish that I could be eating these fries at a better school."
           "Me too. Let's go get shot."

 Penn: "I wish that I could be eating these fries at a better school."
       "Me too. Let's transfer to Columbia."

 Stanford: "Dude, I have so much work this weekend."
           "Like, chill out dude. Have some fries."

 Dartmouth: "Oh, man, I got so trashed this weekend. It was fuckin' awesome."
            "Have some beer."

 Wellesley: "God I'm desperate."
            "Me too. Have some fries."

 Miami(Fla.): "I hear another tourist got shot"
              "Yeah, sucks. Have another Bean Burrito"

Swarthmore:  "I got a B."
               "Anywhere else it would have been an A, have some fries."

Drew:  "I hear we're going Ivy."
           "Great, have a Snapple."