Last year I posted proof of Spam Can Totality and Equivalence of Time
and Spam.  Now I see some idiots posting that they did not realize that
Spam Can Totality proves black hole non-existence; here, then, are more
proofs of black hole non-esistence:
 
  Genital relativity (GR) is a lie; Lorena Bobbit proved this.  The
quantum flux superposition principle proves that holes cannot be black:
black is the absence of color, but everything has color.  If you doubt
this, ask your idiot professors who believe in black holes to draw you a
color picture of one--THEY CAN'T!  Color pictures cannot be black
because black has no color therefore holes cannot be black therefore no
black holes exist therefore there are only PINK HOLES.
 
  Somnoluminescence.  Unopened cans of Spam glow when I sleep.  Proof:
Spam cans do not glow while I'm awake and can keep an eye on them;
therefore, they must be confining their glowing to times when I am
asleep.  Since Spam is the fundamental building block of matter, if
black holes existed, they would have to glow when I sleep; but if they
glowed, they wouldn't be black.  Contradiction--black holes do not
exist.
 
  Despite extensive testing, no black holes have been seen in Spam;
since all matter is made of Spam, if Spam doesn't contain black holes,
nothing can contain black holes.
 
  The existence of black holes violates Party Excusion Principle.
Idiots claim black holes suck up everything and compress it down to no
size; yet, any sufficiently large party has a fundamental minimum
physical size due to presence of at least one person so obnoxious that
no one will get too close to him; this would be violated in a black
hole, proving non-existence.
 
  Strange matter = Spam.  Need I say more?
 
  Hors d'oeuvres Cannibalized Fusion.  Recently, all snacks in my
refrigerator were eaten except for a glistening block of pink Spam.  The
houseguests I had at the time denied having cleaned out my fridge while
I was away, proving that the Spam must have eaten the snacks.  This
proves that Spam is all-devouring, hence "black holes" must be made of
Spam, hence "black holes" are not black at all, but are Pink Holes.
 
  While watching the work of S.P.A.M. Dawber (j. Mork and Mindy 184) I
realized that I could actually feel my brain turning into Spam, leading
to my theory of Spontaneous Neuron Degeneration which explains
everything from the existence of Pink Holes (all matter tends towards
maximum Spamtropy) to many of our political leaders and Usenet articles.
 
  In light of these proofs, I hereby make a formal demand of the world
science politbureau (wait--that's the other persona; I meant to say
"community") to rename all elements according to the following scheme.
Because I haven't been able to come up with enough cool names yet for
all the elements, several elements will have to be deleted until such
time as I can think of some more good element names.
 
  The new, scientific element naming scheme (revision 7.2), from which
any deviations will be punishable by the offender being publicly covered
in whipped cream and little chocolate sprinkles and forced to sing the
lyrics to "Louie, Louie" backwards:
 
 
            Spamonium
            Condominium
            Spumonium
            Macaronium
            Ricearonium
            Phlegmolinium
            Linolium
            Violinium
            Accordium
            Bolognium
            Pepperonium
            George
 
 
In conclusion, I'd like to end with the following hymns:
 
      Starkle, Starkle, Little Twink,
      Why's there Spam rotting in my sink?
      Gads, it stinks to heaven so high,
      I'd best throw it out by next July.
 
      Spam bright, Spam Lite,
      First Spam I eat tonight;
      I wish I may, I wish I might,
      Write a final line for this hymn that scans properly tonight.
 
--
   Trygve Lode | 3270 Cherryridge Road, Englewood, CO  80110 | (303) 781-6309
     Want a copy of the soc.singles FAQ?   Send mail to tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu
             Send SASE for your free copy of the Unnatural Enquirer