Top 10 signs your an extremely boring person
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10. Most common question you ask:"Hey, where's everybody going?"
 9. Mr. Rogers grabs you by the throat and screams, "Pick up the pace, 
    you simp!"
 8. Sominex tablets now available shaped like you
 7. Your wildest fantasy: to someday visit Winnipeg
 6. You bedroom walls are covered with photos of treasury Secy. Lloyd
    Bentsen
 5. During confession, you hear the priest click on his game boy
 4. The person seated next to you at the dinner party is sawing at their
    wrists with a steak knife
 3. They let you sedate patients for surgery by describing your system for
    organizing laundry
 2. During sex you wife calls out the name "Irving R. Levine"
 1. You think Al Gore is a maniac


Originally aired August 21, 1992
April 26, 1993
Top ten signs your marriage isn't working
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10. Wife is always leaving dinner table to go on dates
 9. You play along while watching divorce court
 8. You're married to a member of the British royal family
 7. Whenever you feel romantic your spouse says "Pipe down who's the boss is on"
 6. You're dating your stepdaughter
 5. Dom never seems to initiate sex anymore (Mrs. Deluise only)
 4. Your wife keeps introducing different handsome young guys as her brother Tommy
 3. You see your spouse on love connection
 2. The marriage counselor you go to has a nude picture of your wife on his desk
 1. Your wife's name is Elizabeth Taylor


April 27, 1993
Top ten tips for the new "late nite" host
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10. A drugged guest is a well behaved guest
 9. Proper gratuity for Marv Albert: nickel a blooper
 8. Kids will look up to you: don't let them think it's "cool" to smoke
 7. Willard's insane
 6. If you ever have a baby, look out for giant birds
 5. G.E. executives are "pinheads"; NBC executives are "boneheads"
 4. No one cares about Walter Cronkite's lunch
 3. Don't panic if you find a strange woman in your house
 2. When all else fails, just say "Buttafuoco"
 1. Two words: laugh track

April 29, 1993
Top ten things overheard during take your daughter to work day
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10. "I don't care who's eight-year-old she is, she's not neutering my doberman"
 9. "Bryant, meet my daughter Willardo"
 8. "Mrs. Paul, your daughter just saw the secret fish stick recipe. Now she must die!"
 7. "Hand mommy her tassles"
 6. "This is the director's chair, Sonn-Yi"
 5. "Now batting for the Chicago White Sox -- Cindy"
 4. "I know his hair looks scary, but just march right up and say, 'Hello, Mr. Letterman!'"
 3. "Honey, keep your eyes open over here while daddy whacks a guy"
 2. "Chelsea, see if YOU can get something past congress"
 1. "Keep away from Sen. Packwood"


April 30, 1993
Top ten highlights of Roger Clinton's first 100 days
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10. Wore shoes for the first time
 9. Sometimes gets a free pen after they've signed a law or something
 8. Historic all-night keg summit with President Mitterrand's brother "Stewie"
 7. Was on TV!!!
 6. Finishing slightly ahead of that smart-ass 7-year-old during the white
    house easter egg hunt
 5. Was a runner-up on the game show "Towel Off!"
 4. Seeing Joe Namath host the Bud Bowl...that was awesome!
 3. Keyhole sighting of Hillary using her epilady
 2. Finally getting the rubber mouse away from Socks
 1. Higher approval rating than his brother