A Collection of the Best of The _776 Stupidest Things Ever Said _ and _The 776 Even Stupider Things Ever Said_, two very stupid books by Ross and Kathryn Petras

On IBM:
	I think that there is a world market for about five computers
				--Thomas J. Watson, IBM, in 1958

On Invitations, Gracious:
	Reverend William Spooner:  I want you to come to tea next Thursday to meet Mr. Casson
	Mr. Casson:  But I am  Mr. Casson.
	Dr. Spooner:  Come all the same.

On Knees, Where Found:
	This amendment will put some starch in the backbones of weak-kneed college administrators.
				--unidentified congressman in the 1960Õs

On Life After Death:
	French railway president quits after second fatal accident.
				--from the Toronto Globe and Mall

On Logic,  Irrefutable:
	The first black president will be a politician who is black.
				--L. Douglas Wilder, governor of Virginia

On Logic, Nazi:
	Upon being told that Hitler was dead:
	I wouldnÕt believe Hitler was dead, even if he told me so himself.
				--Central Bank governor, Nazi Germany.

On Logic, Sports:
	Football players win football games.
				--Chuck Knox, football coach.

On Losing:
	You can pitch a gem and lose, but you canÕt lose when you win.
				--Eric Show, San Diego Padres pitcher.  A second later he said, 			ÒWait, donÕt quote me on that.  I sound like Yogi Berra.Ó

On Love Letters, How not to Write:
	My dear Hortense...
	...Farewell, my dear Adele!
				--Voltaire, famous French philosopher on an off-day.

On ManÕs Best Friend:
	It has been said by some cynic, maybe it was a former president, ÒIf you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.Ó  Well, we took them literally--that advice, as you know.  But I didnÕt need that because I have Barbara Bush.
				--President George Bush.

On $181,000 Cars, Affordability of:
	People who perhaps havenÕt had a Bently before may feel on is now in reach.
				--Ian McKay, marketing director for BentlyÕs new Brooklands 						automobile, bearing a cheaper-than-typical sticker price--only $181,000.
On Shakespeare, Little-Known Facts About:
	Quite a number of people also describe the German classical author, Shakespeare, as belonging to the English literature, because--quite accidentally born at Stratford-on-Avon--he was forced by the authorities of that country to write in English.
				--from the Deutcher Weckruf und Beobachter, 1940.

On Shakespeare, Soviet Confirmation of Little-Known Facts About:
	I asked one of the principle actors of the dramatic theater about Shakespeare, and he told me that he is just learning German, so that he may soon be able to read Shakespeare in the original.
				--from the Soviet literary magazine Literaturnaya Gazeta, 1940

On Shakespeare (Wilhelm), Unique Contributions to Human Literature:
	Shakespeare has not only shown human nature as it is, but as it would be found in situations to which it cannot be exposed.
				--Samuel Johnson, great eighteenth-century English writer

On Sleep:  (for Sarah)
	I usually take a two-hour nap, from one oÕclock to four.
				--Yogi Berra, explaining what he does before night games

On Warnings on Batman Costumes, Helpful:
	Caution:  Cape does not enable user to fly.
				--instructions of Kenner ProductÕs Batman costume

On Sports, Strange Moments in:
	They throw Winfield out at second and heÕs safe.
				--Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer

On Sports, Strange Moments in:
	He fakes a bluff.
				--Ron Fairly, Giants broadcast announcer.

On Sports, Strange Moments in:
	Larry Lintz steals second standing up.  He slid, but he didnÕt have to.
				--Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer

On Sports, Very  Strange Moments in:
	Winfield goes back to the wall.  He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off!  ItÕs rolling all the way back to second base!  This is a terrible thing for the Padres!
				--Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer, attempting to tell radio 					listeners about a fly ball hit by a member of the opposing team.

On Suicide, How to Solve:
	The only way to stop this suicide wave is to make it a capital offense, punishable by death.
				--Irish legislator in Parliament.

On Telephones:
	Nassau County NYNEXÊtelephone Directory (1991) Listing:
		Federal Bureau of Investigation (718) 459-3140
		  If No Answer Call  (718) 459-3140

On Telephone Wires, Being Quantum mechanically in More than One Place:
	...the number of new overhead wires would be comparatively small, and would be placed underground.
				--Postmaster General, during debate explaining ease of a rewiring project
On Time:
	Tom Seaver:  What time is it?
	Yogi Berra:  You mean now?

On Translations, Bad:
	Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.
				--ad slogan ÒPepsi Comes Alive,Ó as originally translated into Chinese.

On Typesetting, Great Moments in:
	Several of the Rev. Dr. MudgeÕs friends called upon him yesterday, and after the conversation the unsuspecting pig was seized by the hind leg, and slid along a beam until he reached the hot-water tank... Thereupon he came forward and said that there were times when the feelings overpowered one, and for that reason he would not attempt to do more than thank those around him for the manner in which  such a huge animal was cut into fragments was simply astonishing.  The doctor concluded his remarks, when the machine siezed him and in less time than it takes to write the pig was cut into fragments and worked up into delicious sausage.  The occasion will be long remembered by the doctorÕs friends as one of the most delightful of their lives.  The best pieces can be procured for tenpence a pound, and we are sure that those who have sat so long under his ministry will rejoice that he has been treated so handsomely.
				--from an English newspaper in the late 1800Õs, when two stories--one on 				a patent pig-killing and sausage-making machine and the other on the 					Rev. Dr.  Mudge being presented with a gold-headed cane--were 					mistakenly pieced together by typographers

On Helpful Hints:
	Replacing battery:  Replace the old battery with a new one.
				--directions for a mosquito repeller, reported in Far Eastern Economic 					Review

On Education:
	WeÕre going to have the best-educated American people in the world.
				--Vice-President Dan Quayle

On Frogs, Hypothetical:
	If a frog had wings, he wouldnÕt hit his tail on the ground.  Too hypothetical.
				--President George Bush, during his 1992 campaign trip to New 						Hampshire, about extending unemployment benefits.