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REAL CYBERPUNKS DON'T EAT QUICHE...
CLOTHING
- Real cyberpunks don't wear paisley, or any of that other neo-futuristic, yuppie, artfag shit.
- Real cyberpunks wear military surplus clothing, non-neoncolored Gortex, bluejeans, boots (combat or motorycle), Factsheet-5 T-Shirts, and kilts (on formal occasions).
- Real cyberpunks don't shop at Banana Republic or the "Mainframe" clothing section at Sears.
- Real cyberpunks have the balls to go to Thrift Shops.
Corollary to the above: Anyone who makes fun of a cyberpunk shopping at a thrift shop usually winds up in ICU.
COMPUTERS
- Real cyberpunks don't use IBM PCs or Tandy 1000s.
- Real cyberpunks that have the $$$ use 486s and 68040s.
- Real cyberpunks that don't have the $$$ use whatever the hell they can get ahold of (except IBM PCs an Tandy 1000s).
- All real Cyberpunks still own a TI-99/4A, S-100, Apple ][ w/Apple Cat, or an Atari 130XE with ATR8000 & 850 interfaces as their backup machine.
- Real cyberpunks program in assembler and ADA.
- Real cyberpunks think C is cute for a fuck-around language.
- Real cyberpunks think of the Amiga as a cute toy.
- Real cyberpunk SYSOPS run Stonehenge.
- Real cyberpunks realize the Apple Cat was the best modem ever made.
CARS
- Real cyberpunks drive whatever they can afford.
- Real cyberpunks never drive an unmodified vehicle.
- Real cyberpunks think Audi, BMW, and Mercedes cars serve best as rocket launcher targets.
- Real cyberpunks who can afford them drive something with a V-8.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks go to every police auction in their area.
TECH
- All real cyberpunks have their ham license.
- Real cyberpunks know the difference between a resistor and a capacitor.
- Real cyberpunks know where to get tech cheap in their area.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks practically live at their local surplus store.
- Real cyberpunks think Radio Shack sucks, but still buy from there because it's convenient.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks put pragmatism before principle.
- Real cyberpunks always carry a Leatherman Tool.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what a Leatherman Tool is.
- Real cyberpunks own a dual-band HT.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what a dual-band HT is.
Corollary to the corollary: Real cyberpunks have hosed McDonalds at least once.
- Real cyberpunks know how use a TDR.
Corollary to the above: The have also managed to get ahold of one for free.
POLITICS & LAW
- Real cyberpunks are politically aware, but avoid getting involved in that bullshit.
- Real cyberpunks think all politicians should be castrated.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks are libertarians.
- Real cyberpunks have copies of their state's law statues.
- Real cyberpunks know the difference between the Declaration of Independence and The Constitution.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what both of those say.
- Real cyberpunks don't get caught.
KNOWLEDGE
- Real cyberpunks read 2600, Factsheet-5, Full Disclosure, Iron Feather Journal, Cybertek, Radio Electronics, Circuit Cellar Ink, Computer Shopper, American Survival Guide,
and any 'zines about local bands in their area.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks understand what they read in these publications.
- Real cyberpunks think Mondo2000, for the most part, sucks.
- Real cyberpunks learn about everything from Computers to Crossbows.
- Real cyberpunks know how to spell.
- Real cyberpunks speak at least 2 languages.
WEAPONS
- Real cyberpunks don't have the typical yuppie artfag fear of weapons that most modem users seem to have.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know the value of useful equipment.
- Real cyberpunks own at least one gun.
- Real cyberpunks carry Gerber, Cold Steel, SOG, AlMar, or Spyderco blades.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks think custom steel is neat, but costs too much.
- Real cyberpunks have memorized The Improvised Munitions Black Book.
- Real cyberpunks know The Anarchist Cookbook is a crock of shit.
- Real cyberpunks buy everything authored by Seymour Lecker and Kurt Saxon.
- Real cyberpunks keep a supply of DMSO handy.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what DMSO is.
MUSIC
- Real cyberpunks go to The Mentors' concerts whenever they can.
- Real cyberpunks think C&C Music Factory is just a bunch of out-of-the-closet homosexuals.
- Real cyberpunks don't listen to Paula Abdul.
- Real cyberpunks think Michael Jackson should be napalmed.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks think Michael Jackson is a reincarnate of his monkey Bubbles.
- Real cyberpunks think Top-40 sucks.
- Real cyberpunks listen to Ministry, The Cure, Skinny Puppy, The Misfits, Rush, PinkFloyd, etc.
- In the end, real cyberpunks listen to whatever the fuck they want.
PHREAKING & HACKING
- Real cyberpunks think codes are for fags, but use them anyway because they put pragmatism before principle.
- Real cyberpunks know what TEMPEST means.
- Real cyberpunks use data-taps.
- Real cyberpunks have Internet access.
- Real cyberpunks know why Broadway Hacker invited everyone to his house.
- Real cyberpunks know what PPS really means.
- Real cyberpunks know Clifford Stoll's ex-wife is a lesbian.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know that Clifford Stoll is an asshole.
- Real cyberpunks know just how good friends John Maxfield and Broadway Hacker are.
- Real cyberpunks know who John Maxfield is and what he was arrested for.
- Real cyberpunks own a blue box, and still use it.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what a blue box is, and know how to use it.
- Real cyberpunks know what a TS-21 is.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks stole their TS-21.
- Real cyberpunks have acquired a Bell System hard-hat.
- Real cyberpunks have a payphone.
Corollary to the above: The payphone belongs to someone else.
- Real cyberpunks on the east coast have attended at least one 2600 meeting.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks who have attended a 2600
meeting don't go to them anymore.
Corollary to the corollary: Real cyberpunks are waiting for another OSUNY meeting.
Further corollary: Real cyberpunks know what OSUNY originally stood for.
HEALTH
- Real cyberpunks use Choline, Ginseng, and Golden Seal.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what these are.
- Real cyberpunks know about the medicinal value of various plants.
- Real cyberpunks take care of themselves.
- Real cyberpunks take time away from fucking with their computers to get some exercise.
FOOD & DRINK
- Real cyberpunks drink Jolt.
Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks think Pepsi is for artfags.
- Real cyberpunks are intimately familiar with the selection at 7-Eleven, but avoid it whenever possible.
- Real cyberpunks know how to cook.
- Real cyberpunks drink Guinness Stout.
- Real cyberpunks who are under 21 distill their own.
- Real cyberpunks can go to a Supermarket and not get lost.
That's it for now, but since lamers are always finding new ways to become lame, expect a Real Cyberpunks Vol. II soon.
Yours truly,The Men From Mongo, 9/24/91:OSUNY, TCO, PPS, SPS, PHALCO
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