1) when the consultant asks for your I.D. (at schools where you hand in
your I.D.), reach way down into your pants from the back-side. Look
perplexed. Say "hold on. This could take a while".
2) When you sit down at your computer, turn the keyboard face-down and
start typing on that side. If anyone looks at you, stare at them
maliciously.
3) When someone sits down at the computer next to you, look confused
and ask them to 'watch this'. slowly look at the keyboard, and
nervously push a key. When a letter appears on the screen, turn to them
and ask if theirs does that.
4) Every ten minutes, look side-to-side nervously, punch the 'enter'
key really fast, and dive under the table. Cover your eyes. After about
ten seconds, get back up and resume whatever you were doing as if
nothing happened. Repeat.
5) When you arrive, survey the surroundings. Lean in to the consultant
and quiely ask where their condom dispenser is.
6) Bring a stuffed cat. Make it chase the mouse around the computer.
7) When you go to the bathroom, start disconnecting the computer, and
packing it for travel. If anyone asks you, say "I might be in there for
a while".
8) If one of the computers goes down, sneak in early the next morning
and dress the other computers in black. Say they're in mourning.
9) When you have to write papers, put the keyboard on the side of the
computer and ignore it. Pull out a marker and start writing on the
screen. If someone suggests the keyboard, say that you don't want to be
that impersonal.
10) Make your own 'consultant' badge. Wear it when you go to the
computer center. Whenever anyone asks you for help, say "what do I look
like, a consultant?"
11) When you leave, hug all the consultants good-bye.
12) When you go to the bathroom, hug all the consultants good-bye.
13) If you are at a computer for a long time, and the person next to
you has been there a long time, turn to them and coyly say "you like
me, don't you."
14) Grab the keyboard of the person sitting next to you. Get really
pissed off when a) the person asks you for it back. b) nothing appears
on your screen. c) when what you're typing appears on their screen.
Accuse them of plagerism.
15) When writing a paper, get up and triumphantly jog a lap around the
room every time you complete a line.
16) Go to every third computer. Pardon yourself to the user. Lean in
toward their disk drive and quietly whisper "dad?" After a couple of
seconds, move on.
17) Fake being electrocuted by the keyboard. When you have enough
people's attention, stop. Start laughing like it's the funniest thing
you've ever imagined. Do it again. If they respond, do the same thing.
If no one responds, act hurt.
18) Sneak behind the consultant's desk. When people come up to give you
their I.D.'s, scrutinize them. Reject people based on looks.
19) Run a garden hose into the computer lab. put the nozzle right next
to you at your computer. When people ask, just say 'it makes you feel
safer'.
20) keep requesting 'talk' sessions with the person next to you. As
soon as the connection is established, leave it. If they ask you what
you want, say you don't know what they're talking about.
OTHER WAYS TO PISS PEOPLE OFF/ALIENATE PEOPLE AT THE COMPUTER CENTER
THAT DIDN'T QUITE MAKE THE TOP TWENTY, BUT WILL GET THE JOB DONE
ANYWAY.
1) When the consultant asks you for your I.D. (for a computer), offer
them sex instead. -Extra points if this goes against your sexual
preference. If they say no, hand them your I.D. and procede as normal.
2) Run a wire from the inside of your pants to the back of the
terminal. If anyone asks, say "I'm charging the machine".
3) Try to race your computer; every time you hit a key, poke the person
sitting next to you. Keep doing this until you can poke the person ten
times before what you are typing appears on the screen.
4) Practice at home until you get it perfect; then go into the center
and spend the whole day there playing country-western tunes with the
computer's error noises. Stop if someone likes country music. Really.
5) Determine the busiest printer in the center and disconnect it from
the network. use it to feed a pet.
6) Gesture to the person sitting next to you. When they lean in, point
to their computer and whisper knowlingly "watch out for that one; it's
an animal in the sack"
7) Enter the computer center naked. Shiver, as if your freezing. If or
when they give you a machine, put the keyboard on your lap, and sigh
with relief. Go about your business.
8) Get a black, hooded robe. Get a scythe. Stand over the printer, and
touch everyone gently on the shoulder who comes to collect their
papers. (wear this same outfit any time a computer goes down; touch
that instead)
9) Tell the consultant you need to talk to them. When they approach you
tell them that you "just don't feel the lines of communication are
open". Request a sharing session.
10) Develop and practice an ancient Celtic war cry every time you log
on to the computer. It helps if you can develop violent war gestures,
too.
11) When you are given permission for a computer, don't take the user
card for it. Just perch above the computer and study the person that
does eventually use it.
12) Enter the Building dressed in camouflage fatigues and recon paint.
Brandish a fully-automatic rifle. Tell the consultant behind the
reception desk that you won't be needing a user card; you brought your
own authorization.
13) look side to side, nervously. quickly kiss you monitor. look emba-
rrassed. Go back to work.
14) Try to recruit people for a seance; tell them you want to contact
lost files.
15) Stand in the corner with a collection box to a) get a shower for
the computer center, b) get Nitro, the American Gladiator, to
guest-lecture, or c) start a phone-sex line from the network. If
possible, try to combine some of these. (Phone-sex in the shower with
Nitro, for example)
16) Bring a kiddie pool to the computer center. Don't answer any ques-
tions about it. Don't refer to it again. Periodically 'notice' it, and
look at the people around you in disgust.
17) Put a can of sprayable cheesewiz at each station. When there are
enough people in the computer center, stand majestically up on your
desk, hold up your own spray-can, a tube of toothepaste, and a
sock-puppet, and exclaim "The time has come!". Then sit down and resume
working.
18) Keep coming back into the computer center dressed in different out-
fits. Give the consultant your I.D. every time. Get really pissed off
and bitter when the consultant isn't fooled.
19) Practice an instrument instead of using the computer. This works
best if you play something you've never really been good at.
20) Bring a really huge axe into the computer center. If the consultant
asks you what it's for, just say that you saw something in a cartoon
once, and you think it might work.
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