"Irritants"
An imaginary expansion set for Magic: The Gathering (tm)
These days, Dominia is filled with all manner of annoyances and vexations. Now, "Irritants" brings you the might of these perennial thorns in the side, over a hundred new creatures, spells and artifacts to use with your Magic: The Gathering deck. So stash a few "Irritants" in your deck, and unleash the power of the unpleasant...
- Land:
- C Parking Lot (Airport): Tap for 1C or to prevent target flying creature from attacking.
- C Parking Lot (Grocery Store): Tap for 1C or to reduce target creature by -2/-0.
- C Parking Lot (Mall): Tap for 1C or to protect creature from artifacts for remainder of turn.
- C Financial Institution of Poverty: Tap for 3C. Must pay 2C to untap.
- C Used Car Lot of Mendacity: 1C or pay 1C to create a Used Car, a 3/1 artifact creature.
- R DMV of Eternity: Tap to put creature out of play until end of turn.
- R Freeway of the Damned: Tap to make creature of power 2 or less unblockable.
- R Post Office of Misdirection: 4C and tap to send one card being played back to opponent's hand. They may not take back the casting cost.
- R Higher Learning Institution of Great Expense: Tap to give target creature any special creature ability in play.
- Artifacts:
- Creature:
- C Boom Box: 2/1; Bands; Must be banded to attack.
- C Low Flying Aircraft: 2/4; Flying.
- U Wobbly Grocery Cart: 1/1; Tap X of your creatures to give Cart +X/+X.
- Mono:
- U Mishra's Wad of Carelessly Discarded Chewing Gum: 1C: Prevent the use of trample ability.
- U Tabloid of Inquiry: 1C: You may look at the next card in either your own or your opponent's library without showing it to them.
- U Tawnos's Red Light: 2C: Prevent 1 creature from attacking.
- U Work-Out Video of Fonda: 6C: Give all your creatures +2/+0 until end of turn.
- R Bullet to the Head: 1C: Discard all "Irritants" Cards.
- R Unrelenting Infomercial: 6C: Take another turn; During extra turns, you may not untap mana producing cards used to pay this activation cost.
- R Refrigerated Milk Carton of Emptiness: 3C: Tap 1/3 of opponent's mana producing cards (including artifacts and creatures), rounding up. Tapping these cards does not produce mana. Opponent chooses which cards to tap.
- R Spray Paint Can of Doom: For every 3C, reduce one wall -1/-1; If you reduce its toughness below 1 in this way, the wall does not die, nor is it killed if it blocks, but anything it blocks gets through as though it had trample ability. Any further damage to a 0 toughness wall kills it.
- R Toilet Paper Roll of Emptiness: Force opponent to discard entire hand, then discard Roll.
- R Hell's Unrewound Video: 6C: May attack during opponent's turn, after their attack.
- Poly:
- R Velvet Painting of Elvis: 1C: Gain 1 life for each summoning by either player.
- Continuous:
- R Urza's Unpaid Parking Tickets: Does X damage to opponent per turn; X is the number of opponent's creatures divided by 3, rounding down.
- Black:
- Enchantment:
- C Inflation: Green spells cost 3 more mana to cast.
- C Pollution: Both players must pay 3C for each of their flying creatures which attacks. If player cannot provide the mana, the creature may not attack.
- R April 15th: Place 20 tokens on April 15th at casting. Remove one token during each of your turns, during your upkeep. At the end of any player's upkeep at which there are no tokens on April 15th, you win the game. Opponent may replace tokens (up to 20) for 4C each during their upkeep. If April 15th is destroyed, you gain life points equal to the number of tokens on it at the time divided by 2, rounding up.
- Instant:
- U Pothole: Target attacking creature suffers 3 damage.
- R Monday Morning: Play after attack is declared. Opponent must pay 2C for each attacking creature. If they can pay the full amount they must. If they cannot, you decide which creatures do not attack.
- Interrupt:
- U Defective Merchandise: Send an artifact being played to the graveyard.
- Sorcery:
- R IRS Audit: Force opponent to immediately pay the casting cost of all of their creatures in play. Any creature they are unable to pay for goes to the graveyard. Creatures with enchantments played by you must be the first paid for; creatures with enchantments played by your opponent must be the last.
- Summon:
- C Inconsiderate Smoker: 4/2; May not have Smoker & Indignant Non-Smoker in play at the same time, on either side. When Smoker is summoned, all Non-Smokers in play are destroyed.
- C Local Weatherman: 2/1; Tap to play any non-summoning spell costing up to 3 mana without spending the mana for it.
- C Sullen Urchin: 1/1; Bands; If banded with a wall, Urchin gains +1/+1.
- U Derisive Critic: 1/2; Tap to prevent a creature from using a special ability.
- U Theater Conversationalist: 1/1; Put 3 +1/+1 counters on Conversationalist when it is summoned. You may pay 6C and remove a token to destroy any creature in play.
- U Unreasonable Boss: 6/6; Trample; You must pay 3C per upkeep or Boss is destroyed.
- R Deadhead: 1/1; Tap to cause attacking creature to attack opponent instead. Opponent may block this attack with any untapped creature. The attacking and blocking creatures do damage to each other as normal. If either has trample, opponent suffers the damage.
- R Heavy Metal Dude: 2/2; While Dude is untapped you may shout loudly and constantly during opponent's turn.
- R Rush Limbaugh: 3/8; Counts as a wall.
- Blue:
- Enchantment:
- U Junk Mail: Each time opponent draws a card for any reason, they must immediately discard the next card from their library.
- Instant:
- U Muzak: Destroy all "Irritants" lands in play.
- R Home Shopping Channel: You may buy +1/+1 counters for 1C each; distribute among your creatures as you like. Counters are removed at end of turn.
- C Unforecast Rain: Prevent all of opponent's creatures from attacking.
- Sorcery:
- R Lottery Ticket: Opponent must flip a coin 5 times. If it comes up heads each time, opponent wins game. Otherwise, opponent loses 5 life points.
- Summon:
- C Bowhead: 2/3; Flip coin when blocking, Bowhead might not block.
- C Cable Guy: 1/1; Tap for two turns (or twice in one turn if a Twiddle or similar card is used) to look at two of opponent's cards, chosen at random.
- C Frat Boy: 3/2; Flip coin when attacking, Frat Boy might attack you instead. If he attacks you, you may block with any untapped creature. Frat Boy and the blocking creature do damage as normal.
- C Pigeon: 1/2; Flying; First strike.
- C Slow Driver: 1/1; 2C and tap to prevent 1 creature from attacking after opponent announces attack.
- U Chauvinist Pig: 1/2; Tap to reduce toughness of defending female creature to 0. Creatures of indeterminate gender cannot be affected. The affected creature does not die, nor is it killed if it blocks, but anything it blocks gets through as though it had trample ability. Any further damage to the creature this turn kills it.
- U Highway Patrolman: 2/3; Tap to tap any 5/5 or higher creature.
- U Rent-a-Cop: 2/2; "Irritants"-lands-walk. Immune to damage and effects of "Irritants" lands.
- R Rabid Feminist: 2/1; Tap to reduce power of attacking male creature to 0. Creatures of indeterminate gender cannot be affected.
- R Telemarketer: 1/1; 2C and tap to play any spell as an interrupt. Creatures summoned in this way may be used to block attackers on the turn in which they are summoned.
- R Victorian Censor: 2/1; Tap and destroy Censor to remove any one word from any card in play. This change is permanent, and it is your responsibility to remember the change. Cannot be used to eliminate a cost for use of a card or a creature's power or toughness points, and the text left behind must make sense. For example, you could remove the words "Flying" or "Swampwalk" from one of opponent's creatures, or the word "not" from the phrase "may not be regenerated" on one of your own cards.
- Green:
- Enchantment:
- C Egomania: Target creature gains first strike.
- U Hayfever: All opponent's creatures lose -0/-1.
- R Lack of Originality: Creates an exact copy, including color and special abilities, of the highest toughness creature in play, although it may not attack (may not be destroyed by cards such as Nettling Imp because it cannot attack). Use a token to represent copy. Any effects of other cards which change the power or toughness of original creature apply to copy as well. If the highest toughness creature changes while is in play, the copy changes to the new creature. If enchantment is destroyed, copy creature remains, but will no longer change to match original creature. Copy creature may be destroyed only during blocking, not with other spells, such as Terror or Fireball, or creature abilities, such as damage from Prodigal Sorceror. If copy creature is destroyed, enchantment is destroyed as well.
- Instant:
- U Uninformed Public: Play after defense is declared. Opponent must turn all blockers face down and assign them randomly to attackers.
- R Bad Sequel: Does the total amount of damage opponent received on the previous turn to any target.
- Interrupt:
- U Unexpected Expense: Unless opponent pays X more colorless mana, card being played goes to graveyard.
- Sorcery:
- U Insufficient Funds: All non-land mana producing cards (i.e. artifacts and creatures which can be tapped for mana) are destroyed.
- Summon:
- C California Raisin: 1/1; Bands; If banded gains +1/+1 for each banded creature.
- C Commission Sales Representative: 3/1; Regenerates.
- C Neighbor's Dog: 1/3.
- C Neighbor's Kid: 1/1; Bands; Tap to give Neighbor's Dog +2/+1.
- U Housefly: 0/1; Flying; Each time Fly attacks and isn't blocked, it gains +1/+1.
- U Tedious Bore: 1/2; Tap before defense is chosen to prevent a creature from blocking.
- U Wall of Debt: 2/5; +1/+1 for each green mana spent.
- R Borrowing Neighbor: 1/1; 2G3C and tap to take control of opponent's artifact. If neighbor is destroyed, so are artifacts he has borrowed.
- R Yuppie Environmentalist: 0/1; Gains +1/+1 for each basic land opponent has in play.
- Red:
- Enchantment:
- C Sunburn: All white creatures lose -0/-2.
- U Migraine: Reduce all of opponent's attacking creature -3/-1.
- R Mindless Conformity: While enchantment is in play, the casting and activation costs for all cards cost only colorless mana, though the number of mana remains the same.
- Instant:
- U Christmas Rush: All of opponent's creatures that can attack must do so.
- U Red Tape: Reduce all attacking creatures' power to 1.
- R Gridlock: Make an otherwise unblockable creature blockable by any of your creatures, and reduce it -2/-0. This can be used to block any unblockable creature, including creatures with land-walk, flying creatures when you have none, and creatures made unblockable by the effects of another card. It cannot be used when you have a legitimate blocker you do not wish to sacrifice.
- Sorcery:
- U Office Politics: Opponent's three lowest toughness creatures are destroyed. In case of a tie, lowest power creature is destroyed. In case of a further tie, creature with no special ability is destroyed. Otherwise opponent chooses. Opponent must have at least three creatures in play to use.
- R Blind Date: Each player adds top card in library to ante, face down.
- Summon:
- C Blustering Politician: 5/3; Can only attack if opponent has untapped creatures in play.
- C Fast Food Cashier: 1/1; 1C and tap to give target creature +1/+1.
- C Mosquito: 1/1; Flying.
- C Overcharging Repairman: 1/1; Tap to increase cost of any one casting per turn by 2C.
- U Redneck 5/5; Trample.
- U Wall of Relatives: 0/6; +1/+0 for each red mana spent.
- R Household Pests: 0/0; Although Pests begin at toughness 0, they do not die unless they receive damage. Pests gain +1/+1 at the end of each of your turns they are in play, not including the turn on which they are summoned.
- R Morning DJ: 2/2; If you have 2 or more DJs in play at the same time, each gains +3/+0.
- White:
- Enchantment:
- U Holier than Thou: All of your creatures gain +1/+1; all opponent's creatures lose -1/-0.
- R Jury Duty: Choose 3 of opponent's creatures, which remain tapped until end of game or enchantment is destroyed. These creatures cannot be untapped for any other reason.
- R Political Correctness: All creatures in play lose their usual colors, power/toughness points, and special abilities and become 2/2 colorless creatures, although they are not considered artifact creatures (even if they were artifact creatures to begin with). Any enchantments on creatures remain in play, but have no effect as long as Political Correctness is in play.
- Instant:
- C Common Feeder Line: Play after attack is declared. Line divides the attack phase into a separate sub-phase for each attacking creature, ascending from least powerful to most powerful. Blocking creatures may block in more than one sub-phase and creatures tapped for special abilities may untap between phases, although artifacts and lands which become tapped remain so, and all creatures tapped from the previous turn are still tapped.
- U Impotence: All opponent's creatures' power drops to 0 for remainder of turn.
- R Broken Promise: You may change any or all of your declared defense after all other fast effects are played. Play after fast effects are resolved but before damage is dealt. No fast effects other than counterspells may be played after Broken Promise.
- R Self-Righteousness: You may block any blockable creature as a flying artifact creature with both power and toughness equal to the number of life points you currently have. If you are killed as this artifact creature, you lose no life points (unless you ordinarily would, such as with an attacker with trample), but the death is treated as a normal artifact creature death for the purposes of any card which has an effect when a creature or artifact is destroyed.
- Summon:
- C Indignant Non-Smoker: 2/4; Non-Smoker & Inconsiderate Smoker may not be in play at the same time, on either side. When Non-Smoker is summoned, all Smokers in play are destroyed.
- C Jehovah's Witness: 1/1; Bands; First strike.
- C Loudmouthed Bigot: 1/2; Tap to reduce non-White creature -1/-1.
- U Religious Zealot: 2/1; Tap to force one of opponent's creatures to defend. Opponent may choose how creature defends.
- U Televangelist: 1/3; Tap and pay X mana, opponent must pay 2 times X mana. There is no penalty if opponent cannot pay as much as they are required to, but they must pay as much as they can.
- U Wall of Paperwork: 0/7; Regenerates.
- R Born-Again Christian: 1/1; WW3C and tap to regenerate another creature.
- R Hare Krishna: 2/2; Tap and pay X; you may tap X times 2 of your opponent's mana producing cards, adding their mana to your mana pool. If you do not use all of the produced mana, you suffer mana burn as normal. This action can be played as an interrupt.
- R Michael Bolton: 2/2; copies the abilities, but not the points, of any creature in play.
If you enjoyed this parody card set, why not send me a few Magic cards you don't need? I love the game, but I'm on a budget (yeah, I know, aren't we all). If you don't want to send any, then don't. Don't worry about it. I had a lot of fun writing the thing.
Just in case you feel generous:
Stephen Thompson
770 Sycamore Ave, J-175
Vista, CA 92083
E-mail to steve@vllyoak.resun.com
Feel free to distribute this file, as long as you keep it intact.
Thanks to Bill Street, Lisa, and Ken for helping out with a few ideas.
Disclaimer:
This card set is entirely fictitious, and is not associated with, endorsed by or acknowledged by Wizards of the Coast or Garfield Games.
Magic: The Gathering (tm) is Copyright 1993 by Garfield Games, Inc.
Magic: The Gathering (tm) is published by Wizards of the Coast, Inc. in cooperation with Garfield Games.
Wizards of the Coast and Garfield Games could probably sue my butt to Hell and back for this, but they're way too cool to even consider such costly and time-consuming litigation.
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